A plumber purchased a seal pup from a marine animal rescue service. He brought the slippery little fellow up to be his valued assistant on the job. As the seal matured, it became a specialist in fixing toilet problems. The flippered creature could balance its tools on its nose while repairing a flush mechanism, reversing an overflow in the toilet bowl, and fixing dozens of other toilet issues. And the novelty of a seal plumber caused business to boom. But one day, the seal got the urge to join the circus. The animal was such a quick study that it became a star overnight, balancing balls upon its nose and playing complicated musical compositions on a row of horns. Lamented the bereft plumber, "You picked a fine time to leave me, loo seal!"
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right side. A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left side. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?' Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "Bastards won't let me fart."
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
After a lovely dinner yesterday with my girlfriend I thought it was about time she met my family. My wife and kids weren't empressed though. PS does anyone have a room I can rent please?
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout. "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can’t." "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" I cried. It's perfectly normal," he assured me, "She's having contractions."
Bono says he doesn't like U2's name, his voice and most of the songs he sings. Congratulations you patronising twat, you've only taken over 40 years to catch up with the rest of us.
Prince Andrew High School' in Nova Scotia, Canada, has changed its name to distance itself from the disgraced Duke. It will now be known as 'Jimmy Savile High School For Boys and Girls'
A man walks into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City. He tells the Sales Lady, 'I would like a Southern Baptist Bra for my Wife, Size 34B.' With a Quizzical look the Sales Lady asks, 'What kind of Bra?' He repeats, Southern Baptist Bra. My Wife said to tell you that she wanted a Southern Baptist Bra, and that you would know what she wanted. 'Oh, yes, Now I understand,' says the Sales Lady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to. Most of our Customers lately want the Catholic Bra, the Salvation Army Bra, or the Presbyterian Bra.' Confused, and a little flustered, the Man asks, 'So, what are the differences?' The Sales Lady responds, 'It's really quite simple. Catholic Bra Supports the Masses. Salvation Army Bra lifts up the Fallen. Presbyterian Bra keeps them Staunch and Upright. He hesitates on that information for a minute and says, I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Southern Baptist Bra do? 'Ah,' she replied, Southern Baptist Bra makes Mountains out of Molehills!
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client. "Robert, I have some good news and, I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "I have had an awful day; let-s hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right." Robert replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You have just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" The lawyer replied, : "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Saw on the news today that Dublin's biggest department store had a power cut,It was reported some customers were stuck on the escalator's for over three hours!!
I was at my bank today and there was just an Asian lady ahead of me who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!!"
When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny. By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.
Four university students partied too hard during a music festival and were unable to make it back for their final exam the next day. As they drove back to the university, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: that a car tyre was blown in the middle of nowhere at midnight so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the same excuse. The understanding professor said it was fine and asked them to take the exam the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam. The next day they came to the exam room, and as per the usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner. The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous. Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy. Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit. So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page. There was a single question on it: (For 90/100 points) Which tyre was blown? “