Four university students partied too hard during a music festival and were unable to make it back for their final exam the next day. As they drove back to the university, they tried to think of a good excuse. Finally, they agreed to the same story: that a car tyre was blown in the middle of nowhere at midnight so they were stuck. They each sent the professor an email asking to retake the exam and gave the same excuse. The understanding professor said it was fine and asked them to take the exam the next day, but for fairness they would have to take a different exam. The next day they came to the exam room, and as per the usual procedure, each obtained a copy of the exam and sat in a corner. The classroom was big and empty, the professor sat and watched them, so they were nervous. Fortunately, the questions on the first page are fairly easy. Even though these questions only worth 10/100 points, it calmed them down a bit. So they quickly finished the first page at the same time and turned to the second page. There was a single question on it: (For 90/100 points) Which tyre was blown? “
Just a few more thoughts................. How old do you have to be before you die of old age? If love is blind how can you have love at first sight? If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it to the centre of the Earth? Do colour-blind people dream of a green Christmas? Why would anyone want to put a square peg in a round hole? If feathers tickle why aren't birds always giggling? What shape is the sky? If cod liver oil is so good for you why don't cod live longer? What do Chinese and Indian people go out for?
We've come down on the Russians bloody hard... unless they withdraw from the Ukraine, they won't be allowed in this year's Eurovision Song Contest. That'll show them Russkies what for!
thats about the size of the threat being thrown at Putin or (im going to hold my breath if you dont stop)
The Confessional An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession. Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies. “So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused. The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”
Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work. She signaled a left turn and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself for these mind games?
Putin is certainly stirring things up, prefix his surname with Ras. History tells us Rasputin died a brutal death at the hands of assassins, during the Russian revolution in 1916. An omen perhaps?
A bird was flying south for Winter, but he had left it too late and was frozen solid in a storm. He dropped down into a pasture of cows. The biggest, fattest cow was doing a crap there, and the bird landed in it. At first he was disgusted, until he realised the poo was thawing him out! He started crying out for joy as the ice melted. A cat that was nearby heard the cries, walked over, saw the bird and ate it There are three morals to this story: 1. Not everyone who gets you into s**t is your enemy 2. Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend 3. If you are in s**t, keep your mouth shut
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his MP3 Player.
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS ANYMORE! No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally. On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday? Sally said, No. Jerry said, She's lying. She hid it up in the attic. Sally said, Don't believe him, he's getting senile The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ... The first police officer turned to his partner and said, Were outta here!
A married couple were walking through a garden, when suddenly a dog ran towards them. They both knew it will bite them: The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart. The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away. The husband put his wife down, expecting a hug and a few kind words of gratitude from her. But his wife shouted. "I've seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs, but this is the first time I’ve seen someone trying to throw his wife at a dog!" Moral: No one else can misunderstand a Husband better than a Wife.
My girlfriend has been working as a magician's assistant for a few years now & she's picked up a few tricks...I came home from work early the other day to find her dressed in her magician assistants little sexy outfit. She said, "Abracadabra!" and me mate Dave came out of the wardrobe stark bollock naked.... poor Dave must've wondered what was going on!!..
Irish Nuns A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little ******s, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough…
Man wakes up after his operation to see the surgeon standing by his bed. The surgeon asks the man if he wants the good news or bad news first. The man says ok give me the bad news first. Surgeon says I'm very sorry but we couldn't save the leg. Man replies oh no...so what's the good news? Surgeon said, the man in the next bed said he'll buy your slippers from you.
Guy decided to drive across town to checkout the new nightclub. At the door the bouncers refused him entry as he wasn't wearing a tie. But I've driven across town to check out this club, don't you have spare ties for those who don't have one? We do but it's so busy tonight that they're all out on loan. So I can't come in then? We'd lose our jobs sir, you must have something around your neck or no entry, very sorry sir. Hmm thinks the punter and goes to his car, grabs his booster cables and wraps them around his neck, then walks up to the bouncers. Ok I've got something around my neck now can I come in? The bouncers look at him then each other and one says ok you can come in, but don't try starting anything.
Last weekend my body was taken over by an evil spirit. My wife called out Fr O’Malley to perform an exorcism. Now she’s refusing to pay him and I’m scared I’m going to be repossessed
Just had two police officers come up to me outside Aldi. They asked me the following questions: "Are you familiar with the letters HB?" I said, "no i'm not" "How about LS?" "No" "What about JD?" I said, "hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?" They said, "no, these are just initial enquiries