Anyone else think that naming a brand of condoms 'Trojan' hasn't really been thought through properly .... Trojans who are mostly famous for having their defences breached, big time
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
A 70 year old man invited a young lady in her 20,s to spend the weekend at his flat together. Worried that he might not be able to perform, he contacted a doctor friend for help. The doctor suggested that there were pills in development that worked with rats, and it would be helpful if he tried them, and reported back. Monday the doctor asked him " did the pills work?" "Incredible 6 times on the trot" replied the old man. I suppose you now want something for your back the doctor asked. No the old man said, just something for my wrist, she never turned up.
TEACHER: Why are you late, Johnny? JOHNNY: Because of the sign! Miss. TEACHER: What sign? JOHNNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
Noddy wakes up one morning in a very happy mood. He says 'Good morning house' then walks out of the front door and says 'Good morning garden'. He sees his little car and says 'Good morning car'. Then he sees Big Ears walking down the road and he calls 'Good morning Big Ears'. And Big Ears says 'You call me that again you little cunt and I'll kick your f**king head in'
Paddy and Murphy were out in the country. Paddy says "Look at that flock of cows over there". Murphy says "Herd of cows". "Of course I've heard of cows you daft twat" replies Paddy, "there's a flock of them over there"
Got up at 5. 30am and walked the dog for an hour Went to work for a 10 hour shift Got home and walked the dog for another hour Finally got in when the wife looked at me and said "that's it, it's either me or the yo yo"
I just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute that was in the shape of a lifejacket, but as I told everyone at the service, it's what he would've wanted !!!
A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said "My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied. " What do you call it?" Said the cannibal. " Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor......
When my wife and I got engaged I said to her, “I want you to have this bracelet, it belonged to my Grandmother” She said, “What does DNR mean?"
Be careful when trying to gently squeeze the pump at the petrol station to stop it at £30. I've just missed it and it went to £43.62.
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will: "To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million." The attorney reads. "To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million." "And finally." The lawyer concludes. "To my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!"
I was mugged at the petrol station today. Got all the cash in my wallet, and the cards too. When the police showed up, they asked if I knew whodunnit. "Yeah," I said, "it was Pump #3."