The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. "I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation ... Rachel didn't receive your Email.
Thanks everyone for your concern. First off, I'm OK though I was a bit shook up. If you don't already know, I was robbed at Tesco's petrol station earlier this afternoon. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money's gone, however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, "Yes, it was pump number 1."
An old guy had been marooned on a remote island for many long, lonely years. One day he saw a boat on the horizon, coming closer and closer. Finally it stopped, and a beautiful auburn-haired lass came ashore. She was smiling and wearing a heavy raincoat. She unzipped a pocket of the coat, pulled out a flask of Jamesons, and said, “I’ll bet you could use a large pull of Irish whiskey.” “Oh my God,” he said, “you have no idea!” And drank it down in one huge gulp. She unzipped another pocket, saying, “And I’ll bet a good cigar would go very nicely with that whiskey.” She gave him the cigar, lit it for him, and watched his eyes glaze over with pleasure at the heavenly smoke. Then she slowly started to unzip her raincoat from the neck down. As she did so, she said, “And right about now I’ll bet you’re thinking you’d really like to play around.” He was absolutely stunned. “Oh my God! Really?” He exclaimed. “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the 'miracle' products, she asked, 'Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?' Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.' 'Oh, you flatterer!' she gushed. 'Hey, wait a minute!' Harold interrupted. 'I haven't added them up yet.'
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replied, "Well, coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser. His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, "Is that you, Bubba?"..
Three men had one final test to do to be an FBI agent. They where each giving a gun and told to kill their Wifes. After 5 min the 1st man came back and said ''I cant kill her, I love her so much''. After 15min the 2nd man came and said ''I cant kill her she's so beautiful''. After an hour the third man returns and says "That gun had fake bullets, so i had to use the chair to kill her!"'
Paddy goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks... The man behind the counter asks, "May I ask what you're building"...? Paddy said, "Yes, it's going to be a barbecue"... The man said, “That’s a lot of bricks for one barbecue"... Paddy says, "Not really i live on the 18th floor"...
I was watching that movie Mad Max,You know that movie where petrol/gas is so rare that people are killing each other for a few litres of it? It was set in the future...... I believe it was June.
So I was walking through the park the other day when this fella staggers out of the lake carrying a set of golf clubs. I was so surprised, I yelled: "What the hell happened?" Fella says: "I just went out of control and drove off of that bridge and landed in the lake!!" He handed me his clubs and says: "Here, hold on to these, I have to go back for my wife!"
My wife bought a home waxing kit the other day. She asked me if she should just do the sides or leave a strip down the middle. I said I would prefer it if she didn't have a moustache at all.
I was chatting to a fitness instructor and she says that as you start getting older it's important not to let yourself go.. So I booked a session at the gym.. And didn't go...!
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."