The crew of a British Airways A380 Flt 268 made a wrong turn during taxi for departure at Heathrow, and came nose to nose with another aircraft. The furious ground controller (a female) started yelling: "Speedbird 268" where are you going? I instructed you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxiway; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there" Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted: " It'll take forever to sort this out due to your screw up. Hold your position and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I expect you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that?" The frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence... "Wasn't I married to you once?"
An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance... And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off. See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. All of it. And he's found himself in Australia, recording the last one of all. A Wungubal in the north, performed by a small group of Aborigines. He taped it. He wrote it down. He was finally finished. He's had a few beers to celebrate this, and the bartender asks what he's celebrating. The professor tells him, and also decides to buy the bar a round. A quiet man in a black suit and a bowler hat comes up to the bar, puts his hand on the anthropologist's shoulder, and whispers into his ear... "You seen the *Butcher* dance yet, mate?" The professor admits he hasn't. But since he's seen every dance, he's sure he's taped it somewhere. The gentleman in the hat says, "Noooooo, my friend. If you've seen it, you would remember it. It's only performed by this one tribe. Deep, deep, deep in the bush. Done by the Barrabarra tribe." "But the Barrabarra have been extinct for half a century!" "No, mate. There's 30 of them left. And they're the last ones to do the Butcher dance." The professor puts down his beer, runs to the car to get his film crew, and they ask the man for directions. He just NEEDS to see the Butcher dance. The directions are long and winding, and they tend to go on geological features instead of any compass readings. Pages and pages of directions. "Pass a stone shaped like a dead woman's hand. Climb into the valley cut by the knife of the gods. Walk 20 miles by the light of the brightest star..." etc. They begin their trek. Days pass. The better part of their sound equipment falls and shatters while they're climbing a gorge. After two weeks, he loses his first cameraman. Taipan bit him, and they were too far out to get any antidote. This utter tragedy only inflames the professor's desire, the price he must pay to see the mysterious Butcher dance. Their nights are freezing, their days are burned by the sun. And they finally come upon a fire within a circle of walled stone, surrounded by 30 shadowy figures. The head of the tribe approaches, a gleam in his eye. His speech is thick and hypnotizing, an accent never heard on this earth. "Youuuu....want to seeeee....the *Butcher dance*, hey?" The professor nods. "We do the Butcher dance. We did it last night." They start to set up the camera. The chief says, "but. We only do it. Once. Per. Year." A hush. I mean, the professor knows not to argue. He knows he shouldn't make a scene. He's done this thousands of times. But he's never lost a friend, he's never come this far, he's never been this sunburned. With heavy heart, he stalks away in silence. He gets a flight home. He sees his wife and children. He gets on with his life. Months pass, but the dreams don't stop. He knows he will live a life of hollowness, a life of filling an unending hole, unless he can see this dance. Against the advice of every friend he's ever had, he books a flight to Australia the next year. He even gets some of his old crew to come along. They're excited, they're ready, there's the spirit in the air of "well, we've come this far!" And the excitement fades when they begin their trek. It's every bit as hard as last time. In fact, due to a sudden sandstorm, they are delayed a full day. There's the chance that they'll miss it, that the dance won't be performed for another year. Covered in bites and sand and blood, they stagger into the circle of walled stone. There are the 30 figures. There is the fire. A drum is pounding, pounding up to the stars. The chief sees the professor and grins. "We doing it tonight. I thought I'd see you. Prepare....for the *Butcher dance.*" The cameras are set up. The sound is rolling. The drums reach a monumental crescendo, mingling with their fevered heartbeats. The chief pulls out a massive machete. He grabs a chicken that had been running around and he whocks off its head. He takes the still-moving body and slides the neck up his right arm. Bright crimson blood shines in the fire light. He does it on his other arm. He does it on his forehead. The drums fall silent. The chief begins to sing. He sings... ..."Yooooooooou...." ... ..."Yooooooooou...." ... "You *Butcher* right hand in. You *Butcher* right hand out...you *Butcher* right^handin^andyoushakeit^allabout...
Got called into my boss's office today. "Dave, Leroy claims he's been the victim of racism at work." "Like what?" I replied. "Well, he reckons he was the only one who wasn't invited to the pub for someone's birthday last Friday." "So?" "So, Dave, it was Leroy's fooking birthday!"
Two hikers were walking through the woods when they suddenly confronted a giant bear. Immediately, one of the men took off his boots, pulled out a pair of track shoes and began putting them on. “What are you doing?” cried his companion. “We can’t outrun that bear, even with jogging shoes!” “Who cares about the bear?” the first hiker replied. “All I have to worry about is outrunning you.”
Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves, beg for her forgiveness, and release her. The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words, " he said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "f**k him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast ... that was my idea."
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, ”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”
The wife and I were watching a movie the other night and she fell asleep ! Flat out she was , I didn’t have the heart to wake her up . I did however have to drive back to the cinema to pick her up the next day!!..
Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the minister runs down the steps calling for his help. "Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped," "No way," said Superman, "I’m not going near the crypt tonight."
My psychiatrist has congratulated me on the progress I've made to date ! "You call that progress " I shouted angrily !! "Six months ago I was Napoleon and now I'm a nobody !!!!"
Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. "What happened, son?" his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. "Did she accept?" "No, she sure didn't," sobbed Jeff. "When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out." "Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? 'Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.' Did you tell her that?" asked his father. "Oh boy, Dad, did I get it all wrong," Jeff groaned. "I said, 'My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock
A wealthy aristocrat was hosting a party at his estate, which had been in his family for generations. He noticed that one of his guests bore a striking resemblance to himself. He could not believe that such a similarity could exist with no genetic link, so guessing that his father had sown some wild oats, he approached the guest and asked with a smirk, "Was your mother ever a maid here?". The guest replied, "No, my father used to be the gardener."
My mates trying to claim disabled benefits and went to his GP and said "i think im half deaf". The Doctor said "Dont be stupid go to the end of the room and tell me what you hear". My mate went to the end of the room the Doctor shouts "88" and my mate replies "44".
My friends have been urging me to make a bucket list so I did it today. Bucket Seat Excavator Bucket. Rust Bucket Ice Bucket Paint Bucket Mop Bucket. Hyacinth Bucket Wonder what the point is?
I was talking to my mate last night in the pub and he said "if you were stuck on a desert island, who in the world would you like to be stuck with"? I said "My uncle Dave", he said "why", i said "because hes got a boat".