No ice cream for you a customer came in and asked for a strawberry shake, I told him the ice cream machine was down he then asked for a fudge Sundae, I again told him the ice cream machine was down next he asked for a vanilla cone, I told him the ice cream machine was down for a 3rd time he finally asked can I get a Oreo McFlurry, that was the last straw I asked him: can you spell the straw in strawberry. "Sure s t r a w" how about the sun in sundae? "Yeah s u n" what about the con in cone "c o n" as the customer was getting annoyed that I wasn't making his ice cream I asked him 1 final question: can you spell the f in ice cream " theirs no f in ice cream" exactly I said with a smile
BREAKING NEWS..... Three tonnes of cocaine has been found in the fuel tank of a fishing boat in the Canary Islands. In his defence, the skipper said it was cheaper than filling it with petrol..
"Daddy, why do people hang horses?" asked my daughter. "Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her in my lap. "Who told you that people hang horses?" "I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse." !!!
Two English men and an Irish man were in a pub one evening, when the first English man boasted that his son had been promoted to the board of directors at the bank of England and they bought him a brand new BMW. The second English man boasted that his son had been promoted to the board of directors of British rail, and they had bought him a new house. They both turned to Murphy and asked how his son Patrick was doing, to which he replied "he's gay" but said Murphy he is doing all right and has two boy friends, imagine that two boy friends and one of them gave him a brand new BMW and the other gave him a new house,
A boy standing in the back garden says, "Mum why is my Man United top lying on the grass?" His mum looks out & shouts, "The thieving bastards have took my pegs!"
During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager: Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Paramedic's were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room? And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
I've just beat the girlfriend at a game of Scrabble,she's such a bad loser so she started throwing words at me that begin with TH. I managed to dodge this, there, and then, but I didn't see that coming.!!!
A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Mundubbera Queensland ..' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!' The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.' The manager choked and exclaimed, '£124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4.' The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing...'
3 boys are talking in the playground. The 1st boy says, "My Dad's the fastest man in the world." "How do you know that?" Asks the other boys. "Because he can fire a bow and arrow and run and catch it!" He replies. "That's nothing," says the 2nd boy. "My Dad can fire a gun and run and catch the bullet! " That's nothing says the 3rd boy, "My Dad works for the Council, he finishes at half 4 and he's in the fookin house for 2."
Prince Harry, he's a right "Wild Child" isn't he. First caught smoking weed, then caught wearing a Nazi uniform to a fancy dress party and then filmed calling a fellow Army cadet a "Little Paki". I blame the parents... whoever the fuc they are.....
I seen me mate Paddy dressed as a Red Indian going to the building site. I said Paddy why are you dressed like that ? He said he heard the boss say he was going to sack all the Cowboys,,,
A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her. The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father." "I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, “I’ll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language.” The woman says, “Oh, that’s okay.” She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, “Awk. New madam. Hello madam.” A few hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, “Awk. New girls. Hello girls.” A couple hours after that, the woman’s husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, “Awk. Hi Phil.”
My bank called me earlier,..."Has your credit card had been stolen ?" they asked me. I said, "No, what makes you think that ?"..They said "It hasn't been used at the liquor shop since Monday."
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?" Joe says, "Yes I did." "Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball." "Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?" "Yes there is," says the the cop. "Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."