I went to the horse racing for the first time ever at Aintree today. I didn't haven’ t a clue about betting, so I walked up to the counter and said: "Excuse me, could you explain to me what an each way bet is please?" The man said. "No problem Sir. An each way bet is split into two stakes. The first is a bet on the horse to win. The second is a proportional bet on the horse to finish in a place. This can be first, second, third or even fourth, depending on the amount of horses running in the race." I said. "That sounds perfect for me! Can I have two pounds each way on number four please?" "No." He replied. "Oh." I said. "And why's that?" He replied. "Because this is a hot dog stand."
A very proud day for me... Just found out I've been accepted for the London School of Medicine... Only trouble is, they don't want me while I'm still alive!
Animal rights activists want the Grand National banned because 4 horses died during the meeting. They seem to think that people who keep horses are cruel. That's not true. I know for a fact that Charles cares deeply about Camilla.
I took a ring to Cash Converters to sell today. The guy asks. "Is this ring stolen?" I said. "Of course not." He said. "Then whose finger is this?"
Once upon a time there lived a king The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was the object in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer. ) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x They were M&M's!!! - (get your bloody mind out of the gutter!! ) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"
Actual call centre conversations !!!!! Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'. Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'. Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'. Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.
Little Johnny and a friend go into the forest and walk around, suddenly they see a naked woman. Johnny turns around and runs away, the other chases him. He ask, "Why did you run away?!". Little Johnny: "My mom told me if i saw a naked woman, I'd turn to a stone and I already felt something getting hard!".
Wayne, was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Queensland when he saw an elderly Aboriginal man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Aboriginal man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, the old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Wayne. 'What's in the bag?' asked the old man. Wayne, looked down at the brown bag and said, ...'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.' The Aboriginal man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: 'Good trade...'
I phoned the radio station today. The presenter answered and said, on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize!""Congratulations "That fantastic!" I shouted in delight. "Feel confident?" The presenter asked, "Its a maths question." "Well, I've got a degree in maths," I proudly replied, "and teach it my local school." "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats to a Justin Beiber concert and to meet him back stage, what is 2+2?" "7" I replied
Turns out the thief who ran off with our family heirlooms was going to sell them to pay for private treatment for monkeypox. I don't care, I just want my silverback!!..
I got pulled by a police officer on my way home from a fancy dress party last night. He said, "I have reason to believe that you're hiding drugs. Are they in your glove compartment?" "No, of course not," I said, popping it open. "Well what about in the trunk?" "It's just a costume," I replied. "Officer……I'm not a real elephant !!!"