When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.' When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while. When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer. I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather.
A widow announces the sale of a very modern model Mercedes in excellent condition for only 10 dollars! Of course, everyone ignored the ad, claiming that it was just a joke... After a few days, a young chap read the advertisement and decided to call, then he went to see the car, and found that it was in excellent condition , and that it only traveled less than 5,000 miles... He asked her suprisingly : would you please say the price again ? As in the advertisement for only ten dollars! she nodded . He gave the widow the ten dollars, so she gave him the papers of the car, and it was sold and he actually received it. The young man could not believe what had happened! He asked her: I wonder why you sell a car like this for only ten dollars? The lady replied: I carry out my husband's commandment. Your husband recommended selling the car at this price? The young man exclaimed !. The lady replied: No, no.. My husband had an affair with his secretary, so he recommended, in the event of his death, I sell the car and give the money to his secretary
Went to the Pub on Friday for a beer an when I got home the missus was kicking off.. She says, 'You said you'd be home before 12, what the hell are you playing at..??' I replied 'I am home before 12, I only had 11..!
A large fat, big mouthed American is on a tour of Brisbane and has been bragging on about how everything is bigger and better in the good ol' US of A and how everything is small in Australia. He points his podgy finger at a large building and says to the tour guide "See that building over there, Why if that was in the States it would be a hundred times bigger". The tour guide says "I'm not surprised. that's the obesity wing of the hospital".
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard Hole In One! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished, he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
Two guys driving through Texas get pulled over by a state trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the driver's window, the driver rolls it down, and the trooper smacks the driver in the head with his night stick. "Ow!" says the driver. "Why'd you do that?" The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer; I'm not from around here." The trooper writes the guy a ticket and gives his license back, then walks around to the car's passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls the window down, and the trooper smacks him with his night stick. "Ow!" says the passenger. "What'd you do that for?" The trooper says, "Just making your wish come true." "What the hell does that mean?" asks the guy. "Two miles down the road, you would have said, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that s**t with me!"..
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties, had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water, its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!
A fat lad went to the doctors. He said "Is there any easy exercises i could try to help me lose weight?" The doctor replies "Try this one, just simply try moving your head from side to side!" "How often do i do this?" Replied the fat lad. "Every time your offered food!" Repied the doctor.......
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid. The price was high but the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!” “Don’t worry,” said the Auctioneer, “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”
A guy wants a divorce. He tells a judge, " I can't take it anymore. Every night she's out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar". Judge ask, " What's she doing?". The guy answers, " Looking for me ".
QUEEN Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity". The Angel thanks Dolly and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, and drinks it down,then pees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, "ok your Majesty, you may go in". Dolly is outraged and asked,"What was that all about, I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"? "Sorry, Dolly says the Angel, but even in Heaven A Royal Flush Beats a Pair No Matter How Big They Are".
Took my wife out to a local bar/restaurant last night to celebrate our anniversary. It was a complete and utter disaster! We had only just got a table when all the other locals started shouting "Baby Snatcher!" and other horrible names at me! This was all because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. I know that it's quite a large difference in ages but we really really love one another. Quite frankly their petty behavior completely ruined our 10th anniversary!!..
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent. The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. The next week the lady comes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts. although still silent. stink terribly. The doctor says, Good. Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him and says "if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in your bag can I have one". Paddy says "if you can guess how many doughnuts are in the bag you can have both of them".................murphy says four!!