Paddy bought a camel from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the camel the next day. In the morning he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The camel's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well just give me my money back then.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK then, just bring me the dead camel.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead camel!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead camel?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898′ The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.'
A man was on his deathbed. With a pitiful gasp, he managed to whisper to his wife, "I have one last request, my dear." Of course," his wife replied, clutching his hand. "Six months after I die, I would like you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob?" "I do!"
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a s**t on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of s**t, he began to realize how warm he was. The s**t was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow s**t, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s**t is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep s**t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!!.
3 Elderly Sisters Three sisters ages 96, 94 and 92 all lived in the same house. One night the 96 year old sister went to take a bath upstairs. While she was putting her foot into the bathtub she stopped. She then called out to her other sisters and asked them, “Was I just getting into the bathtub or getting out?” “You fool,” the 94 year old sister said. “I'll come upstairs and take a look.” As she reached halfway up the stairs she stopped and called out to the youngest sister, “Was I going upstairs or downstairs?”. The youngest sister was sitting at the table in the kitchen drinking some tea and said to herself, “I hope I don't become that forgetful” and knocked on the wood on the table. The 92 year old sister shook her head and yelled to her sisters, “I'll be there to help both of you after I see who knocked on the door.”
A man enters heaven and asks God a question, “Excuse me God, why did you decide to make women so beautiful?” God replied, ”So men would love them.” The man then asks, “Then tell me God, why on earth did you make women so dumb?” God immediately replied, “So they would love you.”
Anyone who wonders why there are no women F1 drivers should first watch them try to negotiate a supermarket car park
A police officer pulls over a car full of women. He says "Mam, you realise you can't drive that slow on the highway. It's dangerous." She responds "Isn't the speed limit 33?" Laughing the cop says "No mam, this is highway 33. That's not the speed limit." He looks into the back of the car and the other women are pale and shaking. He asks "What's wrong with them?" The lady says "I don't know. We just came off of Highway 144."
Dave was a single bloke living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew that he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father died. Dave wanted two things: • to learn how to invest his inheritance and, • to find a wife to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card. Two weeks later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at estate planning than men . . .
Two Irish farmers are walking down a road towards the pub, after a long days work, when they hear a motorcycle behind them. They are totally shocked to find that when the bike passes them, the biker is headless. The two men look at each other and shrug. They continue down the road because the call of the pub is getting stronger. As they go, a cyclist comes up behind them and, on passing them, he too is seen to be headless. The two old men shake their heads and continue to walk down the road. After a few minutes, Mick, who's walking along the inside, turns to his companion and says: "You know what Seamus, I be thinkin' dat maybe you should be carryin' dat dere scythe on yer other shoulder"…
A teacher was reviewing her class's homework assignment. She asked Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stood up, shuffled her feet and said, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher said, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated." Johnny said, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light." The teacher said, "That's right, Johnny." Then she turned to Susie and said, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."
When I was at school the teacher caught me cheating in an exam. When I asked her how she knew I'd been cheating, she said, "Because every time the boy next to you has answered a question with "I don't know'', you've written.. "Neither do I"
When men go to heaven there are two gates which they can choose from. The first is labeled "Men who are controlled by their wives" then other labeled "Men who control their wives". The first gate had thousands of men waiting to enter, while the second gate only had 1 man in line. When God came to check on the lines he approached the one individual standing in the "Men who control their wives" line and asked: "Why are you the only man standing here?" The man replies: "I don't know my wife told me to stand here"
It was a practical session in the psychology class. The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it: The rat was in the middle of the cage. Then, the professor put a piece of cake on one side and put a female rat on the other side. The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it. Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread. The male rat again ran towards the bread. This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time. And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat. Professor asked the students. "This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction, do you agree?" Then, one of the students from the back rows said. "Sir, why don't you change the female rat? This one might be his wife!" The professor stood straight up, his finger pointing towards the student and said.... "You just got an A."
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
My wife says she's going to go out on the front porch and bang on her pots and pans to show support for the "overwhelmed" health-care workers. "Great idea," I laughed, "It's been decades since you've put those to any kind of decent use in the kitchen."