My boss called me and said MC, I know that you don't like to work on Saturdays, but I really need your help today. Me: My car is in the garage and the buses runs slow on Saturdays, so I'm gonna be there a little late. My boss: no problem, when do you think you're gonna be here? Me: Monday
Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising". Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw. So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising". And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head. Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead." Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. "I suppose the saw finally did him in." "No", says the nurse, "Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks, and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Whenever four-year-old Miriam was asked her name she would always reply "I'm Mr Levy's daughter." So her mother told her this was wrong and that she must answer "I'm Miriam Levy." Next Shabbes,after the service, the rabbi asker her ,"Aren't you Mr Levy's daughter, little girl ?" Miriam replied "I thought I was ,but my mother says I'm not ."
A builder working at the top of a ladder calls down to his mate: "I'll need to go home Patrick, I've come over all queasy". His mate replies: " Is it vertigo Jerry?" who calls back: " ..... No, I'm only about 10 minutes walk away".
HELP NEEDED! I’m trying to remember the name of an 80’s American sitcom. Set in a Boston bar, where everybody knows your name. Does anyone know? Cheers.
Man #1: "What's wrong? You're being awfully quiet today." Man #2: "My best friend Dave ran off with my wife yesterday." Man #1: "That's terrible! I'm so sorry. I don't think I ever met Dave. How long has he been your best friend?" Man #2: "Since yesterday."
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one-by-one began to tell their stories. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked. "Yes ma'am," Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife." "She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of 20 enemy troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more with the knife, then the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." "Good heavens," cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?" "Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's been drinking."
A 75 year-old man goes to his doctor for a check-up. Doctor: "You're doing fairly well for your age." Patient: "You think I'll live to be 80?" Doctor: "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?" Patient: "No, I've never done either." Doctor: "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" Patient: "No, red meat is unhealthy!" Doctor: "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, such as playing golf?" Patient: "No, I don't." Doctor: "Do you gamble, drive fast cars or fool around with sexy women?" Patient: "No, never!" Doctor: "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"
Remember, next time you hate your life, it's all about perspective. I have a friend who reads 2-3 books a week, works out twice a day, and has people who want to have sex with him all the time, yet complains about how much he hates prison.
My Scottish mate is so tight fisted. I went round to his house yesterday, and he was stripping the wallpaper off the wall. I said "Are you decorating?" He said "No, we're moving"
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. "I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-conditioning unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000!! Right now, I'm happy, with no worries and not a care in the world, not even the employees at the shopping centre who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day..
The guy sat next to me in the pub pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She’s beautiful, isn’t she?" I said, "If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my Wife mate!" He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she’s an optician!"
After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service. Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered. She began to walk up the stairs when one of the men stopped her and explained that they had a dress code. He explained that clothes must be pristine and sharp to show respect to the Lord and turned her away. Dejected and embarrassed, she left and sat on a nearby bench, crying and composing herself, wondering why a church of God wouldn't accept her. As she sat, God sat down next to her. He puts a comforting hand on her shoulder and says, "Don't worry, they won't let me in, either."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." And don't forget the sign at a CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak."
I am so glad that my reflexes are still good and that I am still agile on my feet. The other day my darling sweet wife made a large platter of fried chicken and a big bowl of mashed potatoes, gravy, green peas and a salad. With plenty food remaining she said "I just love left overs, that means I don't have to cook tomorrow." To which I replied, "So you can spend more time doing laundry, right?" Duck and run.