A young man arranged a blind date. On meeting he asked "what would you like to do?" "I wanna be weighed" she said. He decided a visit to a pub. Asking what would she like, she replied "I wanna be weighed". After a couple of drinks he asked what would she like to do next. "I wanna be weighed" she said. Somewhat pissed off with her weight obsession, he made his excuses and took her home early. Her Mother surprised to see her back so soon asked "how was your date? "Wousy" she replied.
Well i never got a winks sleep last night for the noise of this fella trying to sing in the street first it was "Prince Charming " he was screaming ... i went out on the balcony and asked him to keep it down but five minutes later off he goes again.. this time with "stand and deliver ".. so i headed down to see him face to face ...i said " mate its four in the morning ..people are trying to sleep " He says " it wasnt me " I knew it was but what could i do ?? .. He was adamant
My wife is throwing me out of the house because she says I treat the place like a hotel. I hope she doesn't look in my suitcase I've stolen three towels and a dressing gown
A soldier was stationed abroad and received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read, “Dear Harry, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim." The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Harry included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected. There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read, “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Harry.”
I dated Kate Bush once and treated her to a meal. She ordered 2 bottles of wine, a caviar starter, lobster main, a knickerbocker glory and a chocolate cheesecake for pudding. She then ordered coffee and a brandy. I thought blimey, she's running up that bill...
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety three." "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
I have to admire my wife's stamina in the bedroom. She's sweating, panting and gasping for breath, but she doesn't want to stop, 16 hours now she's been putting that Ikea wardrobe together!!..
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer breasts, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross." Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
Kathy had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while she was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Kathy wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The A&E Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Kathy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before." The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
Fun fact, women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking. When I see lovers' names carved on trees, I think it's strange how many people bring knives on a date. Seeing how some people wear their masks, I now understand how contraceptives fail. I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money. To save on Christmas gifts, be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving this year. Bill: "Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike." Pete: "Since when is Mike your best friend?" Bill: "Since yesterday." My wife sent me a text that said "Your great". So naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great". Ever since she's been walking around all happy and smiling. Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it? Whenever my wife starts singing in the house, I go sit on the porch so neighbors realize I'm not hitting her.
I was walking through Glasgow today, when I was stopped by a representative from Aquafresh Toothpaste. She said, "Did you know that the average person only brushes 30% of their teeth?" I said, "We're in Glasgow love, the average person only has 30% of their teeth."
Two guys having a few drinks in the pub. One of them comes back after getting another round and tells his mate that he's embarrassed because he's just offended the busty barmaid. "What did you say?" his mate asks. " Well I meant to order two large gin and tonics and instead I said two large tits with tonic". His mate started laughing and said that's what's called a Freudian slip. In fact he said that he had an example of one that very morning, with his wife while they were having breakfast. He meant to ask her to pass the sugar and instead said "You fat cow you've ruined my life!"
China threatened that the US would be severely punished if Nancy Pelosi goes to Taiwan. Sure enough, the punishment is unbearable! They're sending her back.
I run a small restaurant where we often name our specials after our employees, dishes like “Sally's Chicken” after our maitre d who gave us the recipe, and “Rod’s Ribs” after a waiter who had his personal style of barbecue. One evening after rereading the menu, I broke with this tradition and changed the description of the special we had named after our chef. Despite her skills and excellent reputation, somehow I didn’t think an entrée named “Salmon Ella” would go over big with our customers.