2 girls go to the restaurant, the restaurant full of couples they think about what to do … one girl tell to the other one in loud: I call his wife to catch him in the restaurant with another woman immediately all the guys were gone, and the 2 left passed out she tells her … now we have a place to sit
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health, and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "He's probably The Manchester Utd Manager?
Overheard my grandaughter Holly arguing with her friend about whose grandpa was better. “My grandpa doesn’t need a walking stick,”Holly boasted. “Yeah well my grandpa can still drive,” her friend replied. “Oh yeah?” Holly said as she puffed out her chest. “Well, my grandpa doesn’t even use glasses!” Her friend shook her head and replied: “That’s not true!” “Yes it is!” Holly yelled back. “He drinks straight from the bottle!”
Logic Of A Boy Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married. Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind? Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too… and she’s the best cook and story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
I renewed my car insurance over the phone this morning, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet. I said, "Yes, i've got a dog." She said, "Would you like to insure him too?" I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?" "I think so." The man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests." "I don’t mean that." The deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh sure." Came the reply. "I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
‘Hi, love, can I have a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps when you’re ready there’ says Paddy.. ‘Oh. You must be Irish’, replies the girl behind the counter. Paddy was evidently offended and responded, ‘The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume I’m Irish. If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian?!’ ‘No’ she replied. ‘But this is a newsagents…’
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?” Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir” Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?” Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close” Businessman: “How close?” Flight Attendant: “Same price"
Went to a restaurant last week. Ordered the meat pie. When it came, started eating and found a massive worm. Called the waiter and said “There’s a massive worm in my meat pie!” Waiter pokes at it and says “That Sir is fat!” I said ...... “Of course it is, it’s eaten all the meat…”
My mate said, "I like your car" I said, "It's not very practical now we've got a baby" He said, "How about I buy it off you" I said, "Yeah go on then. Three grand?" He said, "You've got yourself a deal" I said, "Nice one .. you're going to make a brilliant dad"
One night in the township of Whakatane, New Zealand, a fire started inside the local Chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the Fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer Fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company General Manager rushed to the Fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire crew that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire crews had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the Firemen arrived, the President shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire crew who could bring out the company's secret files. But still the fire companies could not get through. >From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another Fire Truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua rural township volunteer Fire company, composed mainly of retired Maori blokes over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down Fire Engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.. Outside, the other Firemen watched as the old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful Chemical company President announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their Chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?" "Well," said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire Chief, "The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that bloody Truck.
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The Nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The benefits of Rye Bread: Two old guys, Rick 80 and Bill 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.” So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?” She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?” He said, “I want five loaves.” She said, “My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it’ll be hard.” He replied, “I can’t believe everybody knows about this stuff but me.”
*True facts* In the 1400s a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have 'the rule of thumb.' Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only - Ladies Forbidden'... and thus the acronym GOLF entered into the English language. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander the Great, Diamonds - Julius Caesar In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase: 'goodnight, sleep tight.' It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. Since 1966, England fans have said they are going to win the cup at the start of every football competition, hence the phrase “English t***s"