Batman gets a call from Robin, who was having trouble with the car. "Batman, I can't get the Batmobile to start! I turn the Batkey, press the Batpedal, but nothing!" Batman thinks a moment before asking "Did you check the battery?" There are a few seconds of silence before Robin asks "What's a tery?"
Great news! Some of the old favourite singers and bands have re-released their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" Commodores--"Once! , Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising" "The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs: "Bald Thing" Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" ABBA: "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Temptations--"Papa's Got a Kidney Stone" Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Three old men were at the Doctor’s for a memory test. The Doctor asked the first old man; “What’s two times two?” “194,” came the reply. The Doctor turned to the second old man, “What’s two times two?” “Thursday,” replied the second old man. Finally the Doctor asked the third old man, “What’s two times two?” “Four,” came the answer. “That’s great,” said the Doctor. “How did you get that?” “Simple,” said the third old man. “I subtracted 194 from Thursday!”
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?' He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.' At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?' He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.' Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?' He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry.' 'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Years later, they get back together to discuss the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother for her 90th Birthday. The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can’t see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.” Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote the first son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Marvin,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Melvin,” she wrote to her third son, “You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious.”
I've just got back from my holiday in Wales. We went to visit Llanfairpwllgwyngyll. Sorry, my cat just walked over my keyboard. We went to visit Cardiff !!
A guy gets a prison sentence and is lying there in his cell bunk the first night after lights out and hears someone shout out "42." The entire wing breaks out in hysterics. After it all dies down someone else yells out "17." The wing is in hysterics again. This happens a couple more times and he finally fell asleep. Next morning at brekky he asked another inmate what that was all about. The inmate says well most of us have been here so long we know everyone's jokes so we numbered them and everyone knows which joke is being told. Oh says the new guy, that makes sense now. That night someone yells out "35" and after the laughter dies off and the new guy shouts out "22".....nothing, not a single laugh. He then yells out "48" ......nothing again. Then he fell asleep. Next morning he asked the other inmate why no one laughed when he yelled out a number. He replied "well, you know how it is, some people can tell them and some can't."
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." "Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head.. "No. They're all at the funeral...
T'was the night before school started when all through the town, the teachers were groaning... A disturbing sound! By 10 they were washed and tucked up in bed, where memories of children filled them with dread! New pencils, New folders New registers too! New classes ,New grey hairs their anxiety's grew. The parents just giggled when they learned of this fright, you've just had 6 weeks off. They're all yours.....tough s**te
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
Donald Trump Some time in the future Donald J Trump has moved on, And like most presidents finds himself in Hell. The Devil greets him, and said he can choose his torment for all eternity. He takes him to a room, and there is Gerald Ford, he is smashing rocks with a hammer, Each time he reduces a boulder to pebbles, another boulder is before him. Trump says, “I don’t think I can do this forever, I have a bad shoulder”. The Devil takes him to the next room. There, Richard Nixon is in a large swimming pool. There is a pot of gold and jewels at the bottom of the pool, But try as he might, Nixon can not reach the pot of riches. Each time he dives down he fails to reach the pot, only to rise to the surface, frustrated, and breathless. Trump says “I was never a good swimmer, I don’t think I can do this for eternity either.” The Devil takes him to a third room. Inside, there is president Bill Clinton, He is seated on a comfy chair, and Monica Lewinsky is on her knees in front of him, doing what made her famous. Trump looks in disbelief, and says to the Devil, “I think I can live like this for all eternity” The Devil replies, “are you certain, there are still quite a few rooms you haven’t seen yet” “Yes, I am sure i want this room” said DJT. The Devil smiles his evil smile. “Okay, Monica, you are free to go.”
So, I went for a job interview at a computer factory and the interviewers first question was "Right then, what can you tell me about a Hard-drive..??" I said "Mate, I've driven across the country with the wife, 3 kids and 2 dogs a while back so I can tell you anything you wanna know..!"
Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he'd like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee. "Excellent coffee, to be sure," says Paddy. "Thank you," says the woman. "My husband brought it back from Brazil." "That's great," says Paddy, "and it's still warm as well.”