Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be. The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" And *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini" St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini," replies the nun. St.Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says... "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, But they know they are in love One day they decide that they want to get married. Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand: Billy bravely walks up to him and says. "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love. I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was just the cutest thing. Mr. Smith replies.... "Well Billy, you're only 12. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies.... "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine. We can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable. Mr. Smith says with a huge grin.... "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy." Again, Billy instantly replies.... "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five dollars a week and I get 8 dollars' that's about 52 dollars a month. So that should do us just fine." Mr. Smith is impressed Billy has put so much thought into this.... "Well Billy, It seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have Little children of your own?" Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says.... "Well, we've been lucky so far." Mr. Smith no longer thinks Billy is so adorable.
A blonde while crossing the road was hit by a car. The concerned driver rushed over to check she was okay. "I can`t see straight" she cried, "Everything is blurry". Leaning over her the worried driver asked, "How many fingers have I got up". "Oh no", cried the blonde. "Don`t tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down, too".
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang: The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line..... "We need a fourth for poker." Said the friend. "I'll be right over." Whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked. "Is it serious?" "Oh yes, quite serious." Said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"
During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall whilst carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan. So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there’s another funeral for her. At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”
A man was riding on a full bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I got test results back from my Doctor today and he said it looks like I'll never work again. "What's wrong with me?" I said. "Nothing" he replied, "You're a lazy twat."
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin. In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it. Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring back at him. 'How 'bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.' He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly broad he's running around with!