Putin is threatening nuclear strikes, again, on the West. Apparently the stairwell in your house is the most secure place to take shelter, so in the event of a nuclear attack, you are advised to get under the stairs, place your head firmly between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye!
I was in a restaurant last night and the waitress gave me the wrong meal... It was meant for a GP on the next table.....Afterwards she said " Did you enjoy it?" I said " Oh yes, it was just what the doctor ordered!"
Mick from Dublin appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000. "You've done really well so far" said the show's host, "but for one million dollars, you've only got one life line left, phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure" said Mick. "'ll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?" - Sparrow - Thrush - Magpie - Cuckoo "I haven't got a clue" said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline to phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin." Mick called up his mate and told him the cicumstances and repeated the questioned. "Ah, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's the cuckoo." "Are you sure Paddy?" said Mick. "Of course I am." Mick hung up the phone and told the host.. "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer." "Is that your final answer?" "Dat it is" said Mick There was a long long pause and then the presented screamed "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick you've won $1 million". The next night Mick invited Paddy to the local pub for a drink to celebrate. "Tell me Paddy, how did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build his own nest?" asked Mick. "Easy" says Paddy. "Everyone knows he lives in a clock!"
Was taking the dog for a walk the other day when the mrs starts tutting and taking her shoe off " whats up with you? " I said " i've got a stone in my shoe " she snarled. I said " you've got 20 stone in the other one that's not bothering you
A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction. "£85 for an extraction, Sir." was the dentist's reply. "£85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge." said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?" "That's unusual, Sir, but I could do it and knock off £15." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anaesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to £40." "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin?" "It'll be good for the students..." mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5. But it will be traumatic." "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal." said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?....
"Things sure were a lot different when we were boys. My son has a colour TV, a computer, a DVD, a stereo, a radio, and a telephone in his room. When I want to punish him, I have to send him to my room!"
I was 8 years old when it happened. Uncle Terry came into my room. The sun was shining and I was looking forward to another nice day. But, young as I was, I knew what his intentions were straight away. I was small for my age, but still I fought as hard as I could. He was just so big. So strong. He forced me to do that terrible thing and I was powerless to stop him. The shame, hurt, pain and confusion ruined my childhood and to this day I still wake up crying about it. But I was luckier than some. That was the one and only time I had to wear a Man united shirt;
I'm not saying we were poor, but there’s many a time my mother sent me next door with a button to ask a neighbour if she’d sew a shirt on it.
I'm not saying we were poor, but there’s many a time my mother sent me next door with a button to ask a neighbour if she’d sew a shirt on it.
Good King Nick had a six foot p***k He showed it to the lady next door. She thought it was a snake so she hit it with a rake. And now its only two foot four.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little jack waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Jack how he knows this. "Well," Little Jack says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'
A guy from Arab Saudi just left to London for studies He send a letter to his father My dear father London is a nice place, great people, but I don't feel comfortable to drive with my Ferrari 990x while other comes to university with train He received letter few days later Dear son, don't shame the family, just send you 220 MIL USD to buy yourself a new train
"I'm sorry Mr Jones, your son will grow with a persecution complex, he may well turn to crime and be and become alcohol and drug dependent and incredibly lazy. " "Oh dear doctor, is there anything at all we can do?" "Yes, move away from Liverpool. "
A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at a vaccination centre and began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home he immediately called the people at the vaccination centre for advice and asked if he should go to a doctor or a hospital. He was told to NOT go to a doctor or a hospital, but to return to the vaccination centre and pick-up his glasses.