"You haven't seen 'Shawshank Redemption'? Where have you been for the last thirty years?" I asked the new guy at work. "In prison," he said.
Paddy and Mick are on a cruise together. Mick says, " It's awful quiet on deck tonight?". Paddy says, " I bet everyone has gone to watch the band". Mick says, "Band? There is no band you fool ". Paddy says, " That's strange , I could've sworn I heard someone say "Abandon ship"..
Just lost me job as a tour guide at the Vatican.What happened was i was telling the group how fantastic the pope is how caring he is,,When at that precise moment he came round the corner I said,,Talk of the devil,,
Joanne came home to find her husband Peter in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his MP3.
I walked into a corner shop In Liverpool and picked up a chocolate bar. I asked, "How much is this love?" She said, "You're not from round here are you?"
A man was arrested for murder but bribed a member of the jury to hold out for manslaughter.The jury was out for 8 hours but when it returned the verdict was manslaughter.He smiled at the man he had bribed and whispered 'I'm really grateful,I hope it wasn't too difficult'. 'It was touch and go said Murphy, 'the others wanted to acquit you'.
A couple had a fight one night when they were going to bed, Husband Taunted: Good night mother of 3 kids. Wife Replied: Good night Father of none.
That's on a par with the story about the submarine that limped into port with its bows in the most unholy mess. He signalled to the shore with this message, "Have rammed and utterly destroyed one enemy mine!"
After getting all of the Pope’s luggage loaded into the New York limo – and he doesn’t travel light – the chauffeur notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. “Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the chauffeur, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?” “Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.” “I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the chauffeur. “There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope. Reluctantly, the chauffeur gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. “Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried chauffeur, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the chauffeur. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five. “So bust him,” says the Chief. “I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the cop. The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!” “No, I mean really important,” said the cop. The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?” “Bigger.” “Governor?” The Chief asked. “Bigger.” “Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?” “I think it’s God!” the cop exclaimed. “What on Earth makes you think that?” “Well for one thing, he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur.”
A man who was heavily pissed walked up to a woman who was sat at the bar and gave her a kiss. She turned round and began slapping him vigorously round the face. He took a step back and slowly began to focus, ' I'm sorry but I thought you were my wife, ' he said. ' Who would marry a useless drunken arsehole like you, ' the woman screamed. ' That's funny, ' replied the man, ' you sound just like her as well.!!
5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car... The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver. Driver: "how so?" Policeman: "what car are you driving?" Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice" Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?" Driver: "Yes what's the issue" Policeman: :Your car is called the Quattro, meaning Four. You should only have 4 people in this car." The driver then proceeds to have an argument with the police officer, saying that the name has nothing to do with its passenger capacity and so on, but the police officer isn't listening. Driver: "Perhaps I can speak to your supervisor, someone with a bit of sense" Police officer: "I'm sorry sir, but my colleague is currently busy dealing with 2 girls in a Fiat Uno."
My son Johnny, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Johnny stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
I've always thought I looked a bit like George Clooney so wasn't surprised when this lady came up to me today and said..."Is that really you George" ? I thought I would play along so I said Yep honey it sure is. She said..."I thought so, how is Mildred"?
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.' 'Yes,' the class said. 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' Little Johnny shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'