I was cleaning my car when my annoying neighbour came out and said "You can clean my car when you're finished!" and proceeded to laugh his head off. "Its bad enough i have to screw your wife!" I replied. That wiped the smug look off his face...
Things that make you go Hmmmm Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting? Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light" ? Doesn't 'expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, “I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out Goodbye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum." The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his shopping. "That comes to £121.85," said the assistant. "How come so much? I only bought 3 items!" The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone." The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?" "Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our fecking house!!"
A passer-by watched two men in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again. 'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?' 'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Joe plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Joe is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'
One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”
Rabbi Bloom is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to reach and press a doorbell on a house across the street. However,the boy is very short and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time,Rabbi Bloom moves closer to the boys position and calls out to him "Would you like some assistance ?" The little boy responds "Yes please." So Rabbi Bloom walks up behind the little fellow and places his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over, and gives the doorbell a good solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level,Rabbi Bloom smiles and asks "Is there anything else I can help you with my little man ? " to which the boy replies "Yes, run like hell !"
Shortage in Heaven An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day G-d calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." G-d replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." G-d says, "Send him back up here, or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
"That wife of mine is a liar", said the angry husband to his friend sitting next to him at the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
"That wife of mine is a liar", said the angry husband to his friend sitting next to him at the bar. "How do you know?" the friend asked. "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley." "So?" the friend replied. "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Jennifer, a manager at a local store, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.* The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of? The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.' 'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said. Turning to Wally, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Wally replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT !?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response. 'Oh sure', said Wally. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t myself..' Wally is now working !