An ape walked into a fast food place ordered a strawberry soda for $1.00. He gave the clerk a $5.00 bill. The clerk thought, "Apes don't know much about money," so he handed him $1.00 back in change. Finally the clerk's curiosity got the best of him and he said "We don't have many apes come in here." The ape replied, "I can see why when you charge $4.00 for drinks!"
Little Johnny comes home from school. His granny asks him what they did. He says "We learned about contraception, sex and masturbation" His grandmother is furious and slaps him. Johnny runs to his room crying. Johnny's mother has seen all this and asks his granny why she slapped him. Granny says "Because he said they learned about contraception, sex and masturbation!" Johnny's mother says "But that's what they learn in school nowadays! It's called sex education!" Granny feels sheepish and decides to go and apologise. She walks into Johnny's room and sees him masturbating. "Johnny" she says quietly. "When you've finished your homework, come downstairs and talk to me".
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Jor huzban he say so." Wife: "Oh yeah?" Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Jor hozban did" Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he???" Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed." Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?" Maria: "No Señora......The gardener did." Wife: "So how much do you want?"
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon, when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out: He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?" "Why reverend." The young woman replied. "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Hmm. Well let me check." Said the reverend, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not reverend." She said. "You're not plugged in yet."
Does anyone else go blank when having to spell phonetically over the phone? ...I'm like..'S for Sierra , A for Alpha T for "pause" Tom Hardy, P for Err.. Pomegranate , W for Wine ,F for Fanny, B for Bollocks'
An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I cannot believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'you know what'." The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
2 older women sit in the park, one says to the other: politician are like birds the other woman says: why is that? Then she answers: when they down, they come to eat from your hand when they up, they s**t on you
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.. .’ In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long? “
Two buddies, Tony and Stevie, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Stevie throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty pound for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Stevie rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Stevie says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie pound for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty pounds." "Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too!!"
Two eggs got married. On the wedding night, Mr Egg is lying in bed, when out of the bathroom comes Mrs Egg. She says, "I've just slipped into something a bit more comfortable", she is wearing a see-through bra and panties. Upon seeing this, Mr Egg says, "right, I'd better go and slip into something more comfy too." When he comes out of the bathroom he is wearing a crash helmet. Mrs Egg says, "what the friggging are you wearing a stupid crash helmet for?" And Mr Egg says, "the last time I was this hard, some bath-plug hit me over the head with a frigggin spoon."
So I was walking through the park the other day when this fella staggers out of the lake carrying a set of golf clubs. I was so surprised, I yelled: "What the hell happened?" Fella says: "I just went out of control and drove off of that bridge and landed in the lake!!" He handed me his clubs and says: "Here, hold on to these, I have to go back for my wife!"
A priest is walking down the street and a women standing on the corner calls to him and says "Hey father, you want a quickie, only £5". The priest promptly says "No Thanks" and continues down the street. A little while later another women calls from a door way of a building and says "Hey father, you want a quickie, only £5". The priest again says "No Thanks" and continues down the street. Another while later another women calls from a window of a building and yells down "Hey father, you want a quickie, only £5". The priest again says "No Thanks" and continues down the street. He finally gets back to his parish and goes up to one of the sisters there. He asks her "What's a Quickie?" to which she promptly replies "£5, the same as in town."