young woman getting preferer for her wedding. she is very happy since it is the first time she will have s* with her new husband, she goes to her sister, and asks: what shirt should I wear ? she says the short one she goes to her mom, and asks: what shirt should I wear ? she says the wide one then she sees her grandma laughing, she asks why ? she response, not matter what you waring, you will be f* anyway
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree - next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
I was watching Match of the day on Saturday night when the wife said "Are you coming up to bed darling, I fancy sex?" I replied "Sure, I'll be up a soon as the footy has finished." "Great.. " she replied in an annoyed voice... "you can record it you know!" "Ok, you set the camcorder up, and I'll be up when the footy's finished!!.
I'm Not Like Other Girls' Moment, And We Can't Help But Laugh *Yep, had a few of those 'moments' myself. I wish people would please," before opening mouth please engage the brain!!!"
Interviewer: what would you consider one of your strengths? Me: I perform under pressure... Interviewee: can you get give me an example? Me: (deep breath) Mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu ba de PRESSURE, pushing down on me...
Dear Amazon I bought a new toilet seat out of necessity not desire. I am not a toilet seat addict and I don't collect them, so no matter how many tempting emails you send me I will not be saying "Oh go on then, I'll treat myself, send me another one".
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary. "Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with." "That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?
The Greek god Zeus was flying over a Greek island and noticed a naked woman washing herself, so he swooped down and made love to her. Then he said, "In 9 months you shall have a child and you shall call him Hercules!" And the woman replied, "In 9 days you shall have a rash and you shall call it herpes."
"Dad, can I have some money?" asked my 13-year-old son today as he headed for the door. I said, "It depends, where are you going?" "To see a girl." he replied, "Oh yeah," I winked, handing him a tenner, "And who exactly is this girl?" "She's the cashier in the shop where I buy my fags." he replied.
A twelve year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail. Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school. After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly at his studies until bedtime. This pattern of behavior continued until it was time for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table, and went straight to his room. Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement, she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math. Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's room, thrilled at his remarkable progress. "Was it the nuns that did it? " the father asked. The boy shook his head and said, "No. " "Was it the one-to-one tutoring? The peer-mentoring? " "No. " "The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum? " "No ", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the Plus Sign, I KNEW they meant business! "
For the fans of dark humor: Today was the worst day of my life. My ex-wife got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a school bus driver. My wife was shocked to find out our new toaster isn't waterproof. At family weddings, my older relatives would always tease me by saying "You're next!". They stopped when I began saying the same thing to them at family funerals. Why is it when you donate a kidney, people think you're absolutely wonderful? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police? You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You only need a parachute if you want to go skydiving twice. What do you call a $5 circumcision? A rip-off. My grandfather had the heart of a lion. And was banned for life from the Bronx Zoo. What's the difference between a dead body and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. Saying "I'm sorry" and saying "I apologize" usually means the same thing. Except at a funeral. The last time I went to a restaurant, I asked the waiter how they prepared their roast chicken. The waiter replied "We don't do anything special, we just tell them they're going to die." I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me. He said "Are you still holding the ladder?" What's the difference between my wife and an onion? I didn't cry when I chopped up my wife. A few years ago, I found a boomerang in my backyard, so I picked it up, threw it, and watched it sail out of sight. Ever since then, I've lived in constant fear. Why can't Michael Jackson go within 1000 feet of a school? Because he's dead, you moron. My parents raised me as an only child. Boy, did that piss of my sister. The other day I was out driving and went past my childhood home. I suddenly felt nostalgic, so I stopped in and asked the owners if I could come in and look around. They refused, told me to bugger off, and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the absolute worst. Since the start of the pandemic, my wife just stands there with a sad look on her face looking through the front window. By now, I suppose it's safe to let her back in. The other night I was at the local bar when the waitress screamed, "Does anyone know CPR?" I stood up from my stool and said "I know the entire f**kin' alphabet!" The entire bar roared with laughter for about 10 minutes. Expect for the guy lying on the floor holding his chest and turning blue. I read in the papers that in New York City, someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard, I don't understand why he just doesn't move away. The doctor gave me 1 year to live, so I pulled out my gun and shot him. The judge gave me 25 years. Problem solved. All of my life I've had an extremely poor sense of direction. The other night, my wife told me "This isn't working out between us. I think you should go." So I packed up my things and right. It’s very important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote”, one of my best friends would still be alive today. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I have no idea what she's talking about. I opened the door and it's working fine. My grief counselor died yesterday. He was so good at what he did, I just didn't care. I created a website for orphans. The problem is, it doesn't have a home page. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he's not going to come anyway.
My mate was telling me of a harrowing ordeal he encountered a few years ago ... He had been skating on a "frozen over" lake , when suddenly a few cracks appeared , and the ice broke , and he fell into the 8 foot deep , freezing cold water .. Fortunately 2 x cars driving past , witnessed this , and came running to his assistance .. Mr and Mrs Hill , and Mr and Mrs Ball seemingly had great difficulty in getting to him .. He told me , "Thankfully , I was dragged out by the Hills ..
The kids kept finding their Christmas presents we'd hid in our wardrobe and under our bed, and my wife said the only way to stop it would be to put them in the loft.I can still hear them crying though.