Three drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again. Then he said, “We have reached your destination”. The first guy gave him money and the second guy said “Thank you”. The third guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked. Thinking the third drunk knew what he did he asked “What was that for”? The third guy replied, “Watch your speed next time. You nearly got us killed”
When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a daring proposal; -Whoever dares to jump, swim to shore and survive, I will give 1 million dollars. Nobody dared to move, suddenly a man jumped into the water and desperately swam towards the shore while he was chased by all the crocodiles. With great luck he arrived, taking the admiration of everyone in the place, then the owner announced; -We have a brave winner. After collecting their reward, the couple returned to the hotel, upon arrival, the manager told him; he was very brave to jump, then the man said; -I didn't jump, someone pushed me! His wife smiled ... Moral: "Behind every successful man, there is a woman who pushes him."
After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass. When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed ...... "The world's fastest runner."
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So, I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." He suggested; "Just put yourself in my hands for one year. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" I inquired. "One hundred fifty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it," I said. Six months later I met him on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" He asked. "Well," I replied, " at $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, the total comes to $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for only $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought a new pickup truck." "Is that so?" With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?” "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody under there now!” It's always best to get a second opinion!
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”
Guy: You still working as a part-time comedian Dave? Dave: Yeah, I have done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club, they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again. In fact, I told it 35 times, and this old bloke came up to me after and said, I don't know how the hell you can remember them all.
I was bragging to this girl about my dad’s sports car, big mansion, and exotic holidays, trying to impress her, Hoping she’d be my girlfriend, Dave: “Did it work, mate” Me : “Sort of Dave “ she’s my mum now!”
A professor stands before a philosophy class and picks up an empty jar, he then proceeds to fill the jar with golf balls,then asks the students if they think the jar is full.They all agreed that it was. The professur then picks up some fine pebbles, and pours them into the jar..shakes the jar and the pebbles roll into the open areas between the golf balls. He again asks the students think the jar is full now,they all agreed it was. The professor picks up a box of sand and pours it into the jar, he once more asks if the jar is full, and they all agreed it was. He then picks up two cans of beer,and pours them into the jar.. ”Now says the professor, I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life, the golf balls are the important things...your family and friends and your children. If everything else were lost, your life would still be full. “ The pebbles are the other things that matter,like your job your house and your car...The sand is everything else, the small things, if you fill the jar with sand first, there's no room for the pebbles or golf balls. , And remember no matter how full your life might seem, There's always room for a couple of beers!”
Fella buys a talkin centipede for £5000 & takes it home in small box.After 30 mins he opens the box & says"Would you like to go for a pint".The centipede doesn't answer.Raising his voice he repeats the question,still no reply.Getting angry, thinking he's been done,he shouts the question loudly.At which the centipede sticks his head out of his box & says"I heard you the 1st time, I'm putting my shoes on"
The doctor was doing the rounds in the mental asylum. He asked the first patient why he thought he was the Pope. He answered that God had told him that he was. "I bloody did not", replied the patient in the next bed.
Eternal Being Entry Question Three Mother Superiors awaiting entry into heaven are met by St. Peter's, assistant and he says: "Ladies you need to answer one question each before you enter into eternal being: Mother Superior (no. 1) where did God's first human creations reside?" "Well that's easy, that would be the Garden of Eden!!" "Right you are my dear, on you go into eternal being" and he asks the next one..... "Mother Superior who were God's first human creations?" she answers: "Adam and Eve, without a shadow of a doubt." "On you go sister, welcome to eternal life".... Finally, he asks the third Mother Superior.... "What did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" and she says.... "oooh that's a hard one!!" and he says: "Well done sister you are through, enjoy eternal life"
While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that." "Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical." "Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?" "Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato!"
Baptizing Paddy Paddy is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" Paddy shouts, "Yes, oi am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" Paddy replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?" Paddy answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!" By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk Paddy again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks him, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" (get ready for this.....) Paddy staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in"?!!