Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. Bat.1

    Bat.1 MDL Expert

    Oct 18, 2014
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    @lobo11 lover told shim "A small penis shouldn't be a problem in our relationship" :dunno:
    .
    @lobo11 replied "I just wish you wouldn't have a penis at all" :whistling:
    .
    :sorry:
    NOT :roflmao:
     
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  2. Tiger-1

    Tiger-1 MDL Guru

    Oct 18, 2014
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  3. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Today marks 6 months without drinking a drop of pepsi, or any kinds of soda!
    6 months without eating bread, cake or anything sweet.
    The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I lost weight and my way of thinking is very positive...
    I'm looking to keep this up and go for more.
    Because I care!...
    no alcohol, eating healthy and above all, an hour of exercise every day!!!
    I don't know who's status this is, but it said to copy and paste
     
  4. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

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  5. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
    "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
    The bride to be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."
    The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"
    "Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
    "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.
    "That one was a Republican," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be -- but nothing ever happened."
     
  6. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand ransom.
    She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I've kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 a.m. Signed, The Blonde"
    She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
    The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the oak tree, just as she instructed. Inside the bag was this note: "Here's your money, I can't believe one blonde would do this to another !"
     
  7. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The vicar was showing a little old lady his parrot. "He's a very intelligent bird, and a pious one at that. If you pull on his left leg, he'll recite the Lord's Prayer. If you pull on his right leg, he'll recite the 23rd Psalm." Then the lady asked, "What happens if you pull both of his legs?" To which the parrot replied, "I fall off my bloody perch, stupid!"
     
  8. cadram

    cadram MDL Member

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  9. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Hundreds of Russians are outside a bank, grumbling about waiting hours in a long queue to make a withdrawl. suddendly one says '' I've had enough of this, I'm going to shoot Putin!" He returns five hours later to the queue and his mate says '' Did you kill him?'' he said ''No the queue was too long''
     
  10. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A farmer got pulled over by a cop for speeding
    and the cop started to lecture the farmer
    about his speed and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
    Finally, the cop got around to writing out the ticket and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
    The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
    The cop stopped writing the ticket and said
    "Well yeah, if that's what they are-- I never heard of circle flies".
    So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
    See, they're called circle flies because
    they're almost always found circling around a horses ass."
    The cop says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
    Then after a minute he stops and says,
    "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me an ass?"
    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer.
    I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."
    The cop says "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
    After a long pause, the farmer says,
    " Hard to fool them circle flies though. "
     
  11. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
    "Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
    "Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
     
  12. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    In the 1930's, letters were often delivered by a silver fixed landing gear airplane in the US.
    A father and son were out plowing a cotton field with their only mule.
    A silver plane flew lazily overhead which caught their eyes.
    The son was quick to comment to his dad,
    "Look! There's a mail plane!".
    The father stopped the mule and looked at the plane his son was pointing at.
    His father took out his handkerchief and wiped his brow and seriously replied,
    "No son, that's not a male plane. Those are just wheels hanging down."
     
  13. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
    They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
    The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
    He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery..
    The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
    After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
    The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
    He asks her 'Shall we?'
    She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
    This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh*t on its head.'
     
  14. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
    I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
    Poor man must have wondered what was going on.........
     
  15. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
    Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
    “Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper, and this new thing was just too scratchy.”
     
  16. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.
    One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "What do you think he’s doin?
    The other replies, " Why he's listening to the ground. Indians can hear things for miles in any direction by vibrations."
    Just then the Indian looks up and says "Covered wagon some two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
    The second cowboy shouts " Why that’s Incredible!" "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what’s in the wagon. Damn Amazin!"
    The Indian looks up and says, " No, frigging ran over me about a half hour ago.
     
  17. MrG

    MrG MDL Expert

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  18. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"
    "Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality--sometimes I have a little trouble telling what's real from what's not."
    "Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"
    "I'm Batman."
     
  19. Mavericks Choice

    Mavericks Choice MDL Guru

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    3 guys are sitting in their local enjoying a pint when one of them says, 'How do you know when your in love?'
    The 2nd guy starts on about feelings inside and how it's hard to explain, that it feels like it's meant to be etc.
    The 3rd guy says 'That's easy, it's when she slaps your arse and say's 'You're in love''.