3 guys are sitting in their local enjoying a pint when one of them says, 'How do you know when your in love?' The 2nd guy starts on about feelings inside and how it's hard to explain, that it feels like it's meant to be etc. The 3rd guy says 'That's easy, it's when she slaps your arse and say's 'You're in love''.
You need to think around "old people". A tale from the wild, wild West ... "An old woman walked up and tied her old mule to the hitching post. As she stood there, brushing some of the dust from her face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. He looked at the woman and laughed, "Hey old woman, have you ever danced?" The woman looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No ... I never did dance ... Never really wanted to" A crowd has gathered as the young gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old bag, you're gonna dance now!", and started shooting at the old woman's feet. The old woman prospector - not wanting to have her toes blown off- started hopping around. Many were laughing. When his last bullet was fired, the gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old woman turned to her pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air, and the crowd immediately stopped laughing. The gunslinger heard the sounds too, and turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched tensely as he stared at the woman and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in her hands as she quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No m'am, but I've always wanted too" THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US: 1 - Never be arrogant. 2 - Don't waste ammunition. 3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are. 4 - Always make sure you know who has the power. 5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid." ~John Mitchell~
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know?" she replied. "I haven't been home yet."
Englishman Irishman and Scotsman kidnapped by cannibals. The chief said to the Englishman " Where you from?" He replied London. " The chief said put him in the pot." Asked the Scotsmen where he was from , He said " Glasgow " The chief said " throw him in the pot." Asked Paddy where he was from , Paddy replied "Dublin." The chief said let him go . Another cannibal asked him why he was letting him go , The Chief said " Well the last Irishman we had here we chucked him in the pot and he ate all of the potatoes "
A man hires a blonde to paint his porch. He tells her that the brushes, paint, and ladders are in the garage. About 30 minutes later he hears a knock and answers the door. The blonde lets him know that she's finished. "Wow" he says, "that was quick. Did you have enough paint?" "Yup, enough for 2 coats!" she replies. The man thanks and pays her. As she's leaving she turns around and says "By the way, it's not a porch. It's a Ferrari." Disclaimer: I did not make up this joke although I wish I had. Stolen by Bat from FOX News comments
A man walks into confessional,and says to the priest, "Bless me, father, for have sinned... I had sex with 7 different women last night" The priest is silent for a moment,then says, "Go home, and cut 7 lemons in half, squeeze the juice into a glass, and drink it down in one gulp" . "And I'll be forgiven?" asks the man. "No," replies the priest."But it will wipe that bloody smirk of your face!.
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
So this man left work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay cheque. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Wife...Desperately looking for a rental property for us. Estate agent.. I've got just one left, two bedrooms with a bathroom 5 miles from the city centre.. Wife... I'll leave it, looking for one with a closer bathroom!!..
A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it." The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!" The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Paddy sees an advert in a shop window. HANDY MAN WANTED FOR BUILDING SITE. He goes to apply for the job. The foreman says, "Can you do a bit of plumbing?" Paddy says, "No?" The Foreman then asks, " Can you do some Carpentry?" Paddy says, "No?" The Foreman then asks, " Can you lay bricks?" Paddy says, "No" The foreman scratching his head looks Paddy in the eyes and says, "What's so handy about you then Paddy?" Paddy smiles and says, "I only live around the corner."
Doctor : "I'm afraid there are some problems with baby. There's some good news and some bad news." Mum : "What's the bad news?" Doctor : "Well, I'm afraid he has a cleft palate, curvature of the spine, no obvious penis, a drooping eye, early signs of Elephantitis and is bow-legged." Mum : " My God, what's the good news?" Doctor "He has a full head of hair, beautiful Ginger hair."
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, meanwhile the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t!"
A man walks into a bar. He orders 10 beers and starts drinking them really fast. The bartender asks “why are you drinking those beers so fast?” The man says “if you had what I had you’d be drinking fast too.” “What do you have?” The man replies, “75 cents.”
We went to a restaurant last night, it was packed, not a table in sight, the wait would have been about 45 minutes. Well, after giving it some thought, I took out my cell phone , then shouted down it, "Yes, he's here with someone else". Seven couples got up and left and we had a delicious meal
A radio show had a phone-in asking the question ‘Who wears the trousers in your household?’ A man rang in and said: “25 years ago, on our wedding day, my wife said to me that she would make all the small decisions and I would make all the big decisions”. The presenter asked him how well it had worked. The caller said “To be honest, I don’t know. Apparently in 25 years there haven’t been any decisions big enough for me to make yet”.