This Friday and Saturday. We will start early. I will be holding a FREE snow shoveling class in my driveway. Come join the class and learn the proper ways to shovel. Reviewed techniques will include the scoop and throw method (AKA the plow technique), as well as the upside down scraping technique. Don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity to enhance your snow lifting techniques without throwing your back out! I will provide the driveway to ensure your training is conducted in the most life like situation, I only ask that you bring your own shovel (ergonomic designs suggested). Seating is limited and handled on a first come first served basis…subject to date change depending on total accumulation.
Last Christmas we were playing charades and it was my Grandads go. All of a sudden, he done a massive fart, collapsed on the floor and died. I thought "Gone with the wind" was a good guess. Apparently not. Haven't seen my family since.
I said to my son "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?" He said "I'm off to meet a new girl" I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know" "Wear a what dad?" he said. "You know, put a hat on" I said. "Do you mean a condom Dad?" he said. "No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"
So this woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time on Christmas Eve and asks, "Do you have any Turkeys?" The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only Turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg. The woman looks at the Turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the Turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now show 2 kg. "That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please!"
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
A preacher goes to the dentist for a set of dentures. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he could only talk in the pulpit for five minutes. The second Sunday, his sermon lasted for ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talked for an hour and 30 minutes. The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened. The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than five minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put in his wife's teeth by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
a patient go to Russian eye doctor, in the middle of the night and ask: oh, doc, my eye. I can't see nothing doc kick him in the leg, and say back: you need to go visit a leg doctor, something wrong with her the lesson, don't go to Russian doctor
An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved: "I love you, Sally" On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! Jerry said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...." The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Buddy, let's get out of here."
I wouldn't worry too much about anything. I once worried too much... it started to make me short, fat and bald. So I quit worrying so much.
"Dear Santa: When I was a child, my father cheated on my Mom and didn't love my family. Later, my parents divorced. Soon after, my mother died in a car accident. My brother and I could only live in my grandma's old house. Grandma's sister was an alcoholic. The whole family survived on my grandma's bank balance. Grandma recently died. My Uncle Andy is barely keeping himself out of jail from day to day. My brother left for Canada and won't talk to us any more. Dad, now 73, had to go out to work to support the family and eventually he is going to want me to do the same thing. Please help me! Yours sincerely, Prince William
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. ''Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,'' he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back.'' ''You're on, old man,'' the braggart replied. ''Let's see what you got.'' The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, ''All right. Get in.''
So it's New Years Eve (with no plans) so David said to his wife Jan: "Lets go out to eat tonight." Jan came back with the classic, "I have nothing to wear." reply. So David said to her: "Just wear what you had on the last time we went out darling, you looked beautiful!" So there they were in their local Chinese restaurant, David in jeans and a T shirt, and Jan in her wedding dress!
Little Johnny is sitting in class one day when the teacher says, "I'm going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you need to give me a word that starts with that letter and use it in a sentence. OK, Let's start with A" Little Johnny raises his hand and shouts, "Teacher! Pick me! Pick me!" The teacher thinks to herself, "I know what he's going to say." So she calls on another student. Next, the teacher asks for the letters B,C, and D. and each time Little Johnny raises his hand the teacher ignores him and calls on other students. This continues until she reaches the letter U. By this time Little Johnny is almost jumping out of his seat. The teacher can't really think of a bad word that starts with that letter. So she calls on him. "U-R-I-N-A-T-E, urinate." The teacher rolls her eyes and says, "OK, now use it in a sentence." Little Johnny responds, "Urinate, but if you had bigger boobs you would be a ten."
A woman on a rather rough Council estate phoned the council , as her lavatory would not flush . Duly a young man arrived at the front door in a Council van . A very polite young man .. 'Good morning madam ' he said cheerfully. 'I believe that your ablutions are malfunctioning/' She looked at the young man and said 'Can't you speak fecking English?' The young man was somewhat taken aback . So he took the Bull by the horns. 'I believe you have a s**t house that won't work?' he said She looked at him and replied 'Oh yeah ! He's in the front room watching the fecking Football . Do you want to see him?