Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate. "First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 70, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year-old mistress. Hence the smile,' says the Coroner. "Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, who won £50,000 in the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says. The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning." "Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector. "He thought he was having his picture taken".
Anyone who tells you women can multitask are liars. I was arguing with the wife last night, anyway I told her to shut up & sit down, She couldn't do either.
At a Post office one of my friend met a smart lady who is practicing as a Lawyer. She Was Posting About 4 Dozen Cards. He asked her what was the Occasion? She said that these were Valentine Cards, signed as "Guess Who..." Being sent to all the married men in & around her society. She said that Last year she had posted about 2 dozen & was lucky to have about 4 divorce cases. So this time she wanted to Increase her business...
Got pulled into office today about my dress code..manager said Tony you cant come into work with your pyjamas on! I said why the others here are wearing them? He said yeah but they are the Patients..
A man goes to the doctor. He said, "Doc, I think there may be something wrong with the pills you gave me last time." The doctor peered over his glasses, "Why do you think that Mr Jones?" "I keep veering to the left, then to the right." "I shouldn't worry about that," replied the doctor. "Those are just side effects."
One sunday morning a little girl and her mother go to chuch. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up. "Yes" the girl says, "But i didnt have to go all the way round the back, there was a box near the front door that said," 'For the sick.'
The guy was showing his mate his new golf ball. He said, "This golf ball is state of the art!" "You just can't lose this ball, if it goes in the rough it beeps, it glows in the dark, it floats in water and has an inbuilt GPS." His mate asked, "Where did you get it from?" "I found it".
A doctor in Dublin wanted a day off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant."Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don"t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients"."Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:"So,Murphy, how was your day?"Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. " The first one had a headache, so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.""Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor." The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says Murphy."Bravo, bravo! You"re good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor." Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in, so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: "HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!""" Thunderin Lord Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor." I put drops in her eyes.
My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town. It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park. "I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test", I said. She slowly started unzipping my pants!
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. Later, he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost; can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him, "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking, he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales," she said. He replied, "No kidding; so am I." "What do you sell?" She responded that it was too embarrassing to tell; but after he kept pleading to know what she sold, she finally said that she would tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell sanitary napkins." He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied (still with tears in his eyes), "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one Hole behind you
I went to the Doctors it was packed and i could not get an appointment. He walked into reception and said " Hello whats wrong", i said " Doctor i think i am going mad, i keep thinking i am invisible"? He said "No you are not but i can't see you today", i am relieved.
After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did say that." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust. "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed, 'because there's someone either coming' or going'!"
I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?" I immediately said, "Thirty six." He said, "That's not even close!" I said, "But it was quick!"
"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding the brown & dropped the green." I said. "I didn't know snooker was on, I thought it was over for this year", replied the Wife. "It is", I answered, "I'm watching the binmen"