There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine. Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change. She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. “Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?” She looked at him and indignantly replied: “Well Duhhh... I’m still winning.”
Today is my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say:"Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face." So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" ...and watch the 'spression on yo face.
You’re An EXTREME Redneck When... 1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids. 2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it. 3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. 4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night. 5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean. 6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’ 7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader. 8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan. 9. Your junior prom offered day care. 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’ 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels. 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse. 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table. 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos. 16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it. 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. And in closing…Two good ol’ boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin’ and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?” The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, “Well, I don’t know about kin, but it would make us even!”
Burglars have become very clever recently. Just last night my wife turned to me in the middle of the night and said "Wake up! There's somebody downstairs!" So I got out of bed and quietly checked every room. Suddenly I realized that I don't have a wife.
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides
democracy jokes (for @Sajjo) so everyone can enjoy it someone send to jail, been asked with Vaseline or not. he choice not, after ... next day .. same .. he said yes ... Vaseline come here here a good one. (from upjoke) Code: So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the worker class. We're here to spend that money to take care of you, the people. And your baby brother in bed, the future." So the little boy goes off to bed and later hears his baby brother crying, he gets up to check on him and finds that he severely soiled his diaper. So the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeps in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy goes to school. When teacher askes if anyone got the answer to the homework he raises hand, "Democracy is, while Capitalists are screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep s**t."
I was entering a singles bar last night when a bouncer started patting me down. He said, "Have you got anything on you that you shouldn't have?" "Yes," I replied. "My wedding ring!"
My son got sent home from school today. He had been suspended for running around the girls toilets with his privates hanging out. Seems he had done it for a bet. Suspension seemed to be a bit harsh, so I rang the headmaster to explain that it was just a bit of tomfoolery gone too far. However, he was having none of it & stuck by the suspension. Getting a bit peeved, I asked him if he would rather have him thieving & smashing the school up like others I could mention. "No", he said, "I would rather have him teaching the year 5 chemistry that he is paid to do".
I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in the pub, stands next to me and starts drinking. I said to him "do you know any of those martial arts things like kung-fu, karate or jujitsu? He says, No why the f**k you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese? No I said its because you're drinking my beer punk!
Paddy was in new York patiently waiting and watching a traffic cop on a busy street. The cop would stop traffic then yell "ok, pedestrians" and after would let traffic pass again. He did this a few times and paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "pedestrians" about the tenth time, Paddy finally went over to him and said "is it not about time ye let the catholics across?"
The teacher asked her class " what is the most dangerous snake in the world and why"? Tommy says "the rattle snake miss, because once it bites you within half an hour you will die". "Very good", the teacher replied. Suzy suggests "the giant anaconda miss, it wraps it's body around you, strangles you then shallows you whole". "Very good Suzy". Charlie pipes up and says "the one eyed trouser snake miss, my sister got bitten six months ago and is still swelling."
A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one ... "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today." Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father, "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived, "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing .. So I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today." After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married." The three children gasp and said, "You mean we're bastards?"
A delightful, angelic little boy was waiting for his mom outside the ladies’ room of the gas station. A man approached him and asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?” The little boy cheerily replied, “Sure, mister! Just go down this street two blocks and turn left. It’s on the right. You can’t miss it.” The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday I’ll show you how to get to Heaven!” The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re s**tting me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office."