I remember when me and Kathy had just started seeing each other. She walked into the store and saw see me standing on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder. She said "You liar. You told me you were a stunt pilot." I said "No I didn't. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team"
"My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife." I'm sorry I can't take your call right now!!
A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.” The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.” “And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man. “No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that f'ing smirk off your face.”
I got stopped by the police whilst driving home on the weekend. The officer said "Have you had a drink tonight? ' I said yeah, 3 pints of Lager, 2 whisky chasers followed by a bottle of red then 2 martinis" he said "Right now blow into this" I said ...."Why? . . . don't you believe me?"
Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder are in a bar. Tiger says to Stevie: "How's the singing career going?" Stevie replies: "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies: "I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that corrected, now." Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?" Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years." Tiger, "But you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?" Stevie: "Well I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." Tiger: "What's your handicap?" Stevie: "Well, actually, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?" Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that...$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?" Stevie: "Pick a night.".
GOD said to Adam, "I have good news and bad news." "What is the good news?" asked Adam. "I have created the perfect woman for you, Beautiful face, & body. The perfect partner." "Great." says Adam, "What’s the bad news?" "Sorry." says God but I also gave her the ability of speech...
Paddy pulled in to a service station and asked the dodgy looking attendant to fill his car. The chap says we don't sell petrol here, so Paddy says fill the oil then. He says we don't sell oil either. Paddy says what do you do? The bloke checks the area and whispers we're a front for the IRA. We'll Paddy says would you blow up me tyres then?
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. 'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The little boy nodded 'yes'. 'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? ' The little boy nodded 'yes' again. He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or s**thead" is it?' The little boy shook his head 'NO'. 'GOOD', said the coach . . . Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'
Paddy is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder and when he is stopped at customs they find that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why; Paddy said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Murphy in Cork and he told me that he is starting up a jazz band and could I bring him back two saxophones."
The Love Story Of Ralph And Edna… Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead. Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
The post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from one last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it two miles down a small country road, by the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore: He entered the garden, closed the gate and turned round to be greeted by two huge paws landing on his chest. There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him, he was terrified. Just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said. "Don’t worry sonny just kick his balls." He Said. "What?" She said. "Kick his balls he likes that." This post man had on regulation size 12 safety steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs, he went WALLOP and booted the dog square in the balls. The dog went. "Yelp, yelp , yellllpppp!" And collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said. "You're in BIG trouble now!" He said. "Why?" She said. "I meant his balls on the grass beside you! Run!!
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken. When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, “You’ve got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.” “No problem,” the tired Marine assured him, “I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “How did you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.” The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?” “Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine. “How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and after that he sat up all night watching me…”