A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her," she says.
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
I said to my wife, "I think we are ready for the next stage of our relationship." She giggled and said, "What are you on about, silly? We are happily married with two kids, what can possibly be the next step?" "Divorce!" I replied.
I was so drunk last night, I literally crawled home and as I pulled myself up the front steps, my wife was waiting. "Sorry darling, I'm a little bit drunk," I said. "Drunk? You left your wheelchair at the bloody pub again!"
A kindergarten teacher handed out a colouring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to colour the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, coloured the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Murphy's Lesser Known Laws Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
In ancient Japan, Dragons were symbols of wealth and power, these would be embroidered on the breast of their kimonos. Three girls talking, one says, “When I marry, I’m going to marry a man with one dragon on his breast.” The second one says “I’m going to marry a man with two dragons on his breast.” The third one says “I want to marry a man with one dragon on the floor....”.
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He slipped the priest the cash and walked away. The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said, ” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.” After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
Paddy is buying a ticket at the cinema the cashier says " that's the fourth time you've come back in the last 5 minutes to buy a ticket .Paddy says " I know but every time I get to the entrance some woman rips it in half".
~ How To Handle A Scammer ~ I had a call from a scammer the other day. Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s okay Sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device Sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it’s already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, Sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realise it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes Sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet, Sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “Okay, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s okay Sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Um … I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Okay.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”