A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Never goes sour. 3. Available whenever necessary. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
An Australian ventriloquist visiting Afghanistan, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?" Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Villager: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Villager: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Villager: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?" Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss were on their way to a lunch meeting. In the cab they found a lamp. The boss rubbed it and a genie appeared. "I'll grant you one wish each," the genie said. Grabbing the lamp from his boss, the eager senior manager shouted, "I want to be on a fast boat in the Bahamas with no worries." And poof, he was gone. The junior manager couldn't keep quiet. He shouted, "I want to be in Miami, with beautiful girls, and food, and cocktails." And poof, he was gone. Finally, it was the boss's' turn. "I want those idiots back in the office after lunch."
Breaking News: A rare giant Galapagos tortoise species thought to have been extinct for 100 years has been found alive. In other news; comedienne, Jo Brand, has been reported missing whilst taking a holiday in South America. She was last seen sunbathing on a beach in Ecuador.
A wife asked her husband to buy some organic vegetables. He went to the supermarket but couldn't find any on the shelves. He asked an elderly male employee, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?" The employee said, "No, you'll have to do that yourself".
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' 'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees. 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little sh*t.
A Somalian arrives in Birmingham as a new immigrant to England. He stops the first man he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr Englishman for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!' The man says, 'You are mistaken, I am Pakistani.' The Somali man goes on and encounters another passer-by. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in the UK! This person says, 'I am no English, me Polish.' He walks on and stops the next person, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful things in England !' This person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from India , I am not English!' Finally, he sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you English?' She says,' No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the English people?'The African lady checks her watch and says: "Probably at work!!"
Apple, Lemon and Pea escape from the refrigerator. Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many drinks later, they’re all tipsy at best when they come across a hill. Pea, being an energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, “Hey! Let’s roll down the hill! Come on!” Before the other two objects, he launches himself down the hill. Apple looks at Lemon, shrugs and says, “Why not?” Lemon looks hesitant but says nothing. Apple then begins his roll down the hill after Pea. Lemon, after a moment, follows suit and rolls after. Pea, being light, rolls down the hill with ease. Apple, being a little heavier, but able to hold his liquor, arrives moments later. Lemon, being a bit awkward and lopsided, tumbles and repeatedly slams against the hillside on his way down and when he reaches the bottom he’s all yellow in the face and moans. Pea, excitedly proclaims, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!” Apple holds up his hand in caution, “Easy Peasy. Lemon’s queasy.”
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field. The Englishman says “Look at that fine English cow.” The Scotsman disagreed, saying “No, it’s an Scottish cow.” The Irishman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. “No, it’s an Irish cow – it’s got bagpipes underneath.
Just had a dealer try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China. Obviously a sham rock.
I asked the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. 'I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?' Again, the answer was 'NO!' 'If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?' Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?' A little boy shouted out: 'YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD.'
A father passing by his son's bedroom Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Josh P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home