A cannibal visited the witch doctor with a serious skin rash. The doctor gave him a small pot of grease to rub on. He returned next week completely cured. " Wonderful stuff what is it" he said "My best friend died . I boiled him in a pot for six days then skimmed the grease off" he replied. " What do you call it?" Said the cannibal. " Pal o' mine lotion" replied the witch doctor......
One day, two bees are buzzing around what's left of a rose bush. "How's your summer been?" asks bee number one. "Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen." The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit." Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again. "How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee. "Great!" replies the second. The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?" "A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to think I was a Wasp."
Well today marks eight months without drinking a drop of juice, fizzy drinks or any alcohol. Eight months without eating bread, pasta, cake or anything sweet. Sugar has been eliminated, as has caffeine. The change in my body has been fantastic, I feel great, I have lost loads of weight and my way of thinking is very positive. No alcohol, eating extremely healthily and above all, a couple of hours of exercise daily! I don't know whose status this is, but I was so flamin happy for them, I copied and pasted it!
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing... they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad', the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'’ The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Two Irishmen were strolling down Oxford Street in London. Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!" Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would." Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't." Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got an idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't." "OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Warren Mitchell impression; "Alwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind, I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'." Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles and says to Paddy, "You're Irish aren't you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?" The owner replied, "Because this is a Dry Cleaners!"
Just lost my job as a tour guide at the Vatican,,What happened was I was telling the group how wonderful the Pope is, how caring he is, when at that precise moment he came round the corner I said..."Speak of the devil..."
A young and upcoming actor was called by his agent who said, "Get down to the theatre where the big play is about to have it's opening performance, a guy playing a small walk on part has had an accident and they need a replacement now." So the young actor rushed to the theatre and met the famous director who tells him "Ok all you have to do is when you are queued, holding a rose with your thumb and forefinger just under the flower, walk onto the stage, turn to the audience and holding the rose to your nose say "Ah the sweet aroma of my mistress" can you do that?" "Oh yes of course" replied the young actor. And all that afternoon he rehearsed, this was his big break, he had to get this right. The time came for his role and in full costume he walked confidently onto the stage, walked to the centre, turned to the audience and emoted in his best acting ability "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress!" The audience howled with laughter and he walked off feeling on top of the world, he nailed it. Next thing the director burst through his dressing room door shouting "Get out, get out now!" "Why what's wrong?" replied the actor. "You've ruined me, you've made me a laughing stock, I'll never be able to show my face in this city again, get out now!" "Why, what did I do wrong, did I forget my lines?" replied the actor. The director said "No, you forgot the rose!"
I was looking out of my window last night and was horrified to see a crowd of people surrounding a crashed motorcyclist. I went down and yelled " coming through coming through " A bloke at the front said " thank God are you a doctor?" I said " No that's my pizza "
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident. The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches." "What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer. "Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are travelling through Europe in their car, sightseeing inTransylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, outof nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the carand hisses at them through the windshield." Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should wedo?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of theabomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock themini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissingat the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts." Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy waterbefore we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. Thevampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs onand continues hissing at the nuns." Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes." Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent." Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She thenopens the window and shouts, "Get the fook off our car!"
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Willows, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?" Pharmacist: "You bet!" Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?" Pharmacist: "We sure do." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "Adult nappies?" Pharmacist: "Sure, how can I help you? Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Wedding Registry."
A queue waiting for a job on a building site. The foreman at the desk shouts 'Next!' A man steps forwards. 'Name!' asks the foreman. 'Marks N Spencer' says the man. 'I've got no time for clowns' says the foreman. 'fook off. Next!' The next in line steps forward. 'Name!' again asks the foreman. 'W H Smith' says the man. 'I told you, no clowns! Next!' Next in the queue steps forwards. 'Name!' 'T J Hughes!' 'I haven't got time for all this nonsense!! Next!!!' Next man steps forwards. 'Name!' 'Ken' says the man. 'Ah, that's better' says the foreman. 'Someone serious at last. What's your surname?' And the man says 'Tuckyfriedchicken!'
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!
A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says "Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'... so she socked me a good one". The first guy replied "Wow! This is unbelievable, mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' but I accidentally said 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'
Women's Lib International Conference, The first speaker, a lady from Germany stood and said, "During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Herman, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The crowd cheered). The second speaker, a lady from Russia, stood up and said, "After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The crowd again cheered). The third speaker, a Geordie lass , stood up and said, "Afta last year's conference, I went herm and telt that lazy ba*tard of mine, Geordie, that I was nae longa pickin up his beer cans, cookin his bait and washin his kecks and that he was gonna haf to de them hisell. (The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She continued....................................... "Afta the first day, I nevah saw nowt. Afta the second day I nevah saw nowt, but afta the thord day, I could see a little bit out of me left eye.