A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly... She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
Sadly we've lost some of our local businesses recently. The bra shop has gone bust, the watch-menders has called time, the paper shop folded, the shoe repairers has been soled, the food blender factory gone into liquidation, and the TV aerial shop called in the receivers.
I was working in a office in London last week & I caught my Tie in the fax machine, I started to panic as it dragged me closer to it. Next thing I know I'm standing in a office in New York!.. Bloody amazing!!
There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys
It’s Monday morning , and the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route , delivering the mail ... As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that Both cars were still in the driveway ... His wonder was cut short by David , the homeowner , coming out with a load of empty beer , wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin .... "Wow David , looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night ,'' the postman comments.. David , (in obvious pain) , replies "Actually we had it on Saturday night" ... This is the first time I have *felt like moving* since 4:00 a.m. Sunday morning ... We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun , and it got a bit wild ... We all got very drunk , and around Midnight , it was THEN that we started playing , ''WHO AM I ....?" The postman thinks a moment and says , "How do you play WHO AM I ....?" "Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out *one at a time* , covered with a sheet with only the 'Family Jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet ... Then the women try to guess *who it IS*....! ? ” The Postman laughs and says , "Sounds like fun , I'm sorry I Missed it ..." "Probably a good thing you DID mate , " David responded ... "YOUR name came up 7 times ...!
Paddy was in new York patiently waiting and watching a traffic cop on a busy street. The cop would stop traffic then yell "ok, pedestrians" and after would let traffic pass again. He did this a few times and paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted "pedestrians" about the tenth time, Paddy finally went over to him and said "is it not about time ye let the catholics across?"
A family is driving along the highway, and they are stopped by a highway patrol. - Hello, gentleman, we've been following you for half an hour and you drive like a charm. The Traffic Department rewards you with 300 euros for how well you drive. What will you do with the money? - First thing, get my driver's license. And the woman, who goes to the side, adds: - Mr. Agent, don't listen to my husband, he's drunk. And the mother-in-law, who goes behind her, adds: - I already said that with a stolen car we would not go very far.
Little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa. Dad says : 'Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol! Son replies: 'She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad, uncle dave only filled her up this morning & he had a bigger nozzle
My mate rang me last night from the pub and said..... "I'm in the pub doing the quiz, .....whats the second biggest state in America"? I replied...."Texas". Two minutes later I got a message from him...saying.... "what's the second biggest state in America"?
Teacher; "Can anyone give me a sentence with the word 'pistol' in it?" Sophie;... "My daddy is a soldier, he has a suit of blue, he has a sword, a bayonet and he has a pistol too." Teacher; "Very good Sophie." Johnny;...... "Miss, my father isn't a soldier, he doesn't have a suit of blue, he draws his dole at half past nine, then he's on the piss till two."
When a guy's printing on his printer began to grow faint he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged £50 for cleaning, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?" "Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."