I just phoned to see if my poor old Mom had got home alright from shopping, after today's torrential downpour. My dad answered and said, "Yes, she's just come in absolutely drenched, shall I put her on the line?" I said, "No, let her dry out by the fire."
My dad was one of those guys who ascribed to the belief that you learnt by DOING things, not from books, studying or courses. So every Saturday, he would take me to the swimming baths and throw me directly in the water, so he could ‘learn’ CPR.
King Charles stands up for Ascot protesters saying he can relate to the cruelty and upsetting images. After all he himself has to wake up to something that resembles a dead horse's head on the pillow next to him every morning!!
A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said Winnie the s**t
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Irishman answered his door to find two grim-faced constables. "We're sorry Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Deirdre,” said one of the officers. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Mickey O'Flynn asked. The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked, "what could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Deirdre up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news then what's the really greatnews?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
I knocked on my neighbours door and said, "My son was just about to cut the grass but he can't seem to operate the lawnmower properly, could I borrow yours?" "Yeah, sure" he replied. "Great, tell him to get a f**king move on though, I've got friends coming round for a barbecue in an hour."
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
It's Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently. After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at a cafe to see some friends and have a coffee. After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an lift with. I told them "The one who knows how to fix lifts". I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.
I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business, when this fat, ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen." I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches ... but, when you’re old, who cares? +++++++++++++++++++++ Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, Sir?" Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'." Cost me a busted tooth ... but, when you’re old, who cares? ++++++++++++++++++++++ I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. Cost me 5 stitches ... but, when you’re old, who cares? +++++++++++++++++++++++ I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your haircut, you'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip ... but, when you’re old, who cares? ++++++++++++++++++++++++ I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. “Really" she said, pushing out her ample chest with a smile, "then go ahead and try.” After about thirty seconds of me fondling her breasts, the woman lost patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts ... but, when you’re old, who cares? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. "Good legs!" I said. The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me another 6 stitches ... but, when you’re old, who cares?
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting, and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. ‘It’s a period,’ he replied. I can see that,’ said the teacher, ‘but what is so exciting about a period?’ ‘Darned if I know,’ chirped the little boy, ‘but this morning my sister was missing one, my mother fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Navy!’…
A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. If you keep this up you might live forever! You have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60-year-old responded "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60-year-old responded "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer". The doctor couldn't believe it! So he said "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60-year-old responded again "Did I say he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said "You mean to tell me you are 60years old and both your father and your grandfather are still alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60-year-old said "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that" said the patient "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he's getting married again". The doctor said "At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said "Did I say he wanted to?"
We've just come back from a holiday in Spain. My wife didn't really enjoy it, because everyone could speak English and all the food was like the stuff we eat back at home. She said, "Next time, I want to go somewhere where they eat weird s**t and you can't understand a word they say." So I've just booked us a fortnight in Scotland.
The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?" "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes my Rachel, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!" "Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened." Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation. Rachel didn't receive your Email."