To everyone who types everything in lowercase letters: We are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse. Sincerely, Capital Letters
My aunt bought a nice little doer-upper cottage in Cornwall. After six months of work the only renovation remaining were the stairs, they were old, worn, and suffering from a previous infestation of woodworm. She looked all around the area but couldn't find someone to fit a replacement that she both liked and went with the ambience of the old house. Then after weeks of searching she finally found a carpenter in Tavistock who could make one that she liked.The locals were furious, they couldn't believe that….she was buying a stairway from Devon.
Little Johnny was visiting a friend of his in New York during the winter. He and his friend went outside to play in the snow. After about an hour, his friend’s mother called them back inside and had them remove their wellies and gloves. Johnny’s friend’s mom was a tall voluptuous, woman who would warm her son’s hands by putting them between her thighs. So as usual, when her son came in from playing in the snow, she asked if his hands were cold, to which he replied “yes”. She then put them together and stuck them between her warm thighs. After a few minutes, she asked “are they warm yet?” and the little boy said “yes”. Johnny watched his friend and waited for his turn. His friend’s mom then asked him if his hands were cold, to which he replied, “yes”. So she took his hands, put them together and stuck them between her thighs. After a few minutes, she asked if his hands were “warm yet” and he said “yes”. So she took them out. Johnny continued to stand there with a sly s**t-eating grin on his face. When the mom asked “well, what is it now, Johnny? What’s wrong? Johnny looked up at her and replied: “My ears are cold too!”
Stan, Sadie & Dan in class. Teacher says, "I'd like you to state your name, and what you'd like to become when you're older?" Stan stands up, says, "My name's Stan, when I grow up to be a man, I'd like to drive a van maybe, if I can". Well done says the teacher... Sadie stands up, says, "My name's Sadie, when I grow up to be a lady, I'd like to have a baby, maybe, if I can". Well done says the teacher.... Dan stands up, says, "My name's Dan, I'm not going drive a van like Stan, I'm going to give Sadie a baby, not maybe, I certainly am!!!"
It has been Reported that Burglars have Stolen 12 Banjos from a Man's house in Edinburgh .. Neighbours (who got a REALLY GOOD look at the perpetrators) , have Refused to give Police a description , in Case he gets them Back ..
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane: "I think everyone's asleep, let's go." "This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first." "It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!" "Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on." Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!" "This is great....." (long sigh!) Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."..
I was Orphaned at a Young Age. And Raised by a Pack of Hyenas..?!?!? No Toys, No Clothes, No Electrics or WiFi, No Posh House, I was facing Starvation. Searching and Scouring, for Food everyday, Times were Tough, really, really Tough, But Boy, Did we have some Laughs!!..
I ran into a friend just after he had returned from his regular Saturday morning round of golf. When I asked him how his round had been, he said, "It was lousy...I only hit two good balls all day." "Well," I replied, "that's better than none." He countered with, "Not if it's how I did it." "Oh?" I queried. "You see," he said. "It was when I was in a bunker and stepped on the rake!"
An Irishman trying to learn golf and having a terrible time of it. "I'd give just about anything to get this right!" he says aloud. Straight on the Devil appears and says "Anything?" "Well, short of selling my soul, yes." "How about giving up sex for the rest of your life?" "Done and done!" He finishes the game in rare good form and rumor of his deal spreads thru the clubhouse. One of the members, a reporter, sees a story here and asks him, "Sir, is it true you made a deal with the Devil to become a great golfer?" "True, enough." "And you gave up sex as your part of the bargain?" "True again!" "And may I have your name, sir?" "Certainly. Father Mike O'Ryan."
The Pope & his Xword puzzle A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after takeoff, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Oooooh, of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"