Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. noisey

    noisey MDL Novice

    May 22, 2010
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    “The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
     
  2. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Little Johnny's next door neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby.

    Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbours. He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behaviour and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we get back home." I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny.

    At the neighbour's home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said, "Oh, what a beautiful little baby!" The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little Johnny." He then said," This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.

    Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he can see good? The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"

    Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be f**ked if he needed to wear glasses"
     
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  3. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
    When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
    A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
    Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that d**n thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''
    The Teacher fainted.
     
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  4. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Bad Soldier

    One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

    The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"
     
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  5. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    A Loving Wife

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
    After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
    "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
    On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
    "He said you're going to die," she replied.
     
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  6. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

    Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

    Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

    A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

    Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"
     
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  7. tcntad

    tcntad MDL Guru

    Oct 26, 2009
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    hahaha good one :p
     
  8. zedbra

    zedbra MDL Novice

    Jun 7, 2010
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    wow!! lol. this reminds me of a joke where a boy walks in on his parents and they tell him. "were just playing leap-frog" haha:p
     
  9. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    #49 pedagogy, Jun 9, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2010
    (OP)
    Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
    Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
    Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
    Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.


    A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

    She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
     
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  10. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    First Time Cussers
    A 8-year-old and a 6-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 8-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 6-year-old nods his head in approval. The 8-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

    "OK!" The 6 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

    Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 6-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

    "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
     
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  11. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Baby Talk

    A baby was born who was so advanced, he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked.

    "Yes, I am," said the doctor.

    The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

    "Yes, I am," she said.

    "Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said. He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

    "Yes, I am," his father answered.

    The baby motioned him close, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger repeatedly saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"
     
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  12. tcntad

    tcntad MDL Guru

    Oct 26, 2009
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    hahaha real fun :p
     
  13. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    A high-school student came home one night rather depressed.
    "What's the matter, Son?" asked his mother.
    "Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my grades. They're all wet."
    "What do you mean 'all wet?'"
    "You know," he replied, "...below C-level."

    "He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But how's his scholastic work?" "Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach. "Wonderful!" said the sportswriter. "Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

    Q: Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the Toy Box?
    A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, saying "Lie to me!
     
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  14. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
     
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  15. reginakampher

    reginakampher MDL Addicted

    Apr 5, 2008
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    A blind man and his seeing eye dog enters a department store. The blind man walks to the middle of the store, picks up his dog by its tails, and starts swinging it above his head in a circular motion. Horrified, the clerk approaches the man and asks "sir, what are you doing?". The blind man replied "I'm just looking around".
     
  16. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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  17. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting F1 ...F1 !!!!!! and nobody understood it. :D
     
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  18. tcntad

    tcntad MDL Guru

    Oct 26, 2009
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    F1 hahaha :D
     
  19. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    :yeahyeah: lol see post 28
     
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  20. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    Caught Speeding

    Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
    Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
    Woman: Oh, I see.
    Officer: Can I see your license please?
    Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
    Officer: Don't have one?
    Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
    Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
    Woman: I can't do that.
    Officer: Why not?
    Woman: I stole this car.
    Officer: Stole it?
    Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
    Officer: You what?
    Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
    to see.
    The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and
    calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
    officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
    Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
    The woman steps out of her vehicle.
    Woman: Is there a problem sir?
    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
    car and murdered the owner.
    Woman: Murdered the owner?
    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
    Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
    The first officer is stunned.
    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
    hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
    examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
    Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
    have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked
    up the owner.

    Woman: Betcha the lying b*****d told you I was speeding too.
     
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