Husband says to his wife "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back!"She says "what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
An elderly lady was invited to an old friends home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names'. The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what his name is.'
The other cubicle: Travelling down the highway and needing to use the toilet, I stopped at a service station and headed to the ladies'. "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the toilet and I don't know what got into me, But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!" And the other person says: "So what are you up to?" What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!" ?? At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?" OK, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them: "No..I'm a little busy right now!!!" Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other cubicle who keeps answering all my questions Mobile phones, don't you just love 'em !
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my goodness!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman... As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my goodness! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan. "
A man and his wife walk into a zoo. She's wearing a sleeve-less dress. As they walk past a gorilla's cage, the ape goes wild on seeing the woman. He jumps on the bars, grunts and pounds his chest The husband, noticing the ape's excitement suggests his wife tease the poor fellow by pouting her lips and wiggling her bottom. She does it and the gorilla gets even more excited. The husband then asks her to let one of her straps fall. She does it and tie gorilla is about to break the cage's bars. The husband then nabs his wife by her hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in. "Now, tell him you have a headache," the husband says.
Did you hear about the programmer who got stuck in the shower for a week? The instructions on his shampoo said: Lather, rinse, repeat
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely s**t my pants."