An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The Wild old general sends for his trusty native American scout. "You must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." The trusty scout lies down and puts his ear to the ground. "Large war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black stallions, two on white stallions. All have war paint. Many many guns. Medicine men are also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the general. "You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?" "No," he replies, "I can see under the gate."
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside an exhaust repair Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." Inside a Vets waiting room. Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! At the Electric Company "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be delighted." In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank heaven for little grills." Finally the best one for kept for the last. Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises
My son is three years old and yesterday I took him shopping. When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket. Now, I didn't buy it and he certainly didn't buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and let him loose in the jewellers.
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent.. .’ In tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?
Winnie the Pooh had an Eating disorder, Piglet suffered from Anxiety, Eeyore had Depression, Rabbit had O.C.D., Tigger had ADHD, and Christopher Robin was a Bat-s**t Crazy Schizophrenic, who hallucinated, and talked to a room full of stuffed animals...And then our parents wonder why we're so messed up?
We were driving in my friend Larry's new car. I asked him about its features. He listed the usual, then added: "It tells me to slow down as I approach the speed limit. It warns me when I have to stop. It points out solid no-passing lines." I expressed my amazement. "But," he explained, "these features work only when my wife is in the car."
After watching the movie Cinderella, five-year-old Sarah started using her windmill as a magic wand, pretending she was a fairy godmother. "Make three wishes," she told her mother, "and I'll grant them." Her mum first asked for world peace. Sarah swung her wand and proclaimed the request fulfilled. Next, her mother requested for a cure for all ill children. Again, with a sweep of the windmilll, Sarah obliged. The mother, with a glance down at her rather ample curves, made her third wish, "I wish to have a trim figure again." The miniature fairy godmother started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
John came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, “What’s the problem?” He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life.” She said, “So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives.” He said, “I know, but he only gave me four pills!”
James comes home to find his wife Rachel sobbing bitterly. "Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry," she sniffles. "I was ironing your suit and went to answer the phone and ended up burning a big hole right in the seat of your trousers!" "There, there, darling," James replies, gently patting her shoulder. "All is well. I have another pair to go with that suit." "I know," Rachel sniffles. "I used them to patch the hole."
A bereaved widow is gazing at her husbands body laying resplendent in the chapel of rest and voices a concern to the undertaker. Her beloved husband had worn a toupee all his later life and to preserve his dignity and keep his 'secret' she wanted him wearing it for the 'open coffin' service. But she was very concerned that it may move or slip and his friends or even family may learn his secret.The undertaker told her not to worry and sure enough the service went perfectly even though many mourners reached out to touch her late husband and some even leaned over and kissed his face to say a last goodbye. Afterwards she approached the undertaker and said she must owe him something extra for the marvelous work he had done with the toupee. He, of course, refused anything extra but she was insistant. OK he said, I'll just charge you 20p for the nails.
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them....they decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" So he took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, the oldest one asked, "What religion do you think we are? We're not Katlick, because they pour the water." " We're not Babdist because they dunk all of you." "We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you." The littlest one said, "Can't you tell by the smell of that baptismal water what we are?.......Why, we're Pisscopalians.
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating old woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ” I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally…I assumed you had stolen the car.”
My youngest son, Mick, asked me, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?" I replied, "When I was 18, I walked in to a pub and spotted the most beautiful, gorgeous blonde that I had ever seen, and Cupid shot his arrow the moment I saw her!" "So what happened then?" asked Mick. I said, "Nothing much- the arrow missed and hit your Mother....!"
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, Watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?" No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, Knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!" They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died. ”
Never EVER Lie to a Woman........ A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" " Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. " The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?" You'll love the answer... The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..." Never Lie To A Woman...!!!