Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool. One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please." The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?" "Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees. "Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..." "Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude." "So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender. "It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
My mum got stopped by the police the other day because she was knitting whilst driving. The policeman said, "Pull over!" She replied, "No, a scarf!"
Mildred, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence. She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Boudreaux, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Boudreaux (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING! Boudreaux, being a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, Boudreaux quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home ....and left it there all night.
Had a really good conversation with my new online girlfriend last night, she was that keen on me she asked me things like What was the first film i saw. MY first pets name and even my mothers maiden name, I think I'm well in with her!
After ordering a milkshake, a man had to leave his seat in the restaurant to use the rest room. Since he didn't want anyone to take his shake, he took a paper napkin, wrote on it, "The world's strongest weight lifter," and left it under his glass. When he returned from making his call, the glass was empty. Under it was a new napkin with a note that said "Thanks for the treat!" It was signed ...... "The world's fastest runner."
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.” “But I could be dead by then!” “No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”
A dog walks into a butchers shop and the butcher asks “What do you want”. With his paw the dog points to some steak in the counter glass display and the butcher says “How many pounds”, the dog barks twice “Anything else” asks the butcher. The dog points at some pork chops and barks four times. The butcher wraps up the steak and chops and puts them in the dogs mouth. The butcher takes the money from a purse around the dogs neck and shows him out. A customer who has been watching in amazement follows the dog to a house where it jumps up and rings the bell. The owner comes to the door and the customer says “What a remarkable dog you have there” "Remarkable my Arse!" says the owner.... "That’s the fkn second time this week he’s forgotten his bloody keys!"
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?" The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change instead of a vasectomy" The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection?" The surgeon pauses for a moment, then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours!!..
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions...... Officer: What's 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmmm10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmmm I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Satan come visit a jewish synagogue Every one start running away The rabbi hide behind Torah scroll The cantor under the table Only one Moroccan man left standing Satan himself go the this man who still praying And ask him .. don't you afraid of me ... ? He responded: well I married to your sister about 55 years The lesson guys .. Don't marry to a Moroccan wife