Fred always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Fred could find no hope in it. On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Fred, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!" "That`s awful," said Fred, "But it could have been worse." "How," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?" "Well," replied Fred, "If it had happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short and you have to pass before you can get into heaven." St. Peter continues: "The questions are: What days of the week begin with the letter "T"? How many seconds are there in a year? What is God's first name?" Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days in the week begin with the letter "T"? That's a easy one. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but... I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year? Now that's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk and guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve; January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" "Sure." Forrest replied. "It's Andy." "Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Okay, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy as the first name of God?" "That was the easiest one of 'em all," Forrest replied. "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN." St. Peter opened the Pearly gates and said, "Run, Forrest, Run!"
A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this viper; a serial killer? A prank caller? The man hopes it’s a prank call and manages to forget about it until around 7 PM, when he’s making dinner, at which point he missed another call. The caller left the message, “This is the viper. Saying again, I come tomorrow!” The man is scared. Whoever this is has targeted him? He probably should have fled, or called the police. But somehow he decided to hunker down and brave the mysterious caller’s attack the next day. As it happens, in the morning he is actually woken up by the next call from the stranger. “This is the viper. I am coming in an hour!” The man tries to prepare mentally for what’s about to go down, and in about an hour, sure enough there is ominous knock on his door. The man peers outside to see a plump man with a bushy moustache, carrying a bucket of water. He opens up to confront the stranger, who says .. “Guten Morgen. I am the viper, and I’ve come to vipe your vindows!”
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the cheque, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
That moment when you look around at all the stuff that needs to be done & feel so overwhelmed that you sit down & leisurely scroll through your phone instead.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?” “That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.” After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Two gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a race back to their truck. As they approached the truck, they realised that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"
A novelty store owner called a recent customer. "Mr. Jones? This is Mr. Peters, the owner of Peter's Novelties. Remember that boomerang you bought the other day? You paid for your purchase with a cheque, and unfortunately it came back." "You're lucky," replied the customer. "My boomerang didn't."
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" 'If it was without my knowledge" I replied, "then how would I know?"