Every morning at breakfast in the monastery the Abbot chants “Morning!” and all the other monks must reply “Morning!”. At dinner, the Abbot chants “Evening!” and all the other monks reply “Evening!”. This goes on for years, “Morning!” in the morning, “Evening!” in the evening. Finally a few monks can’t take it any more and decide to shake things up a bit. The next morning when the Abbot chants “Morning!” and everyone else responds “Morning!” these monks instead chant “Evening!”. The room is silent. The Abbot looks around sternly and then complains “Some men chanted ‘Evening!’”
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel found him... resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?" God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance." "Balance?" Inquired Michael, "I'm still confused." God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things." God continued pointing to different countries "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "That's Washington State, one of the most glorious places on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace and producers of software." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There's another Washington .. Wait till you see the idiots I put there”.
I noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother. “Things haven’t changed that much,” she said. “Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t.”
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
I pulled up at a Grocer's shop the other day to buy some fruit for the office. A little old lady was talking to the Grocer at the counter. Little old lady says: “ I’d like some Onions please” Grocer: “Sorry but we have no onions” “Excuse me , I know you have onions, I got some last week!” “ Madam that was last week, we are out of onions today” “Don’t lie to me young man, I know you have onions, you’ve got em hid out the back” “I don’t have any onions madam! There is a famine of onions!” “Rubbish! You’re hiding them!!” “Madam, if you take the beet out of beetroot what do you get? “Root!” “ If you take the car out of carrot what do you get?” “Rot!” “If you take the Flip out of onions what do you get?” "There’s no flip in onions!” “That’s what I’m trying to tell you!”
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor. "How's the stutter?", asks the doctor. "It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man. "Any idea why?" The doctor asks. "No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."