A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy. He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A new study indicates that vegans are 43% more likely to suffer broken bones than non-vegans. Well, they will if they keep going on and on about it...
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control." As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut." The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving." And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?" "Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
John is a house boy who drinks his Boss's wine with impunity and then adds water to cover his tracks. His Boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties (a French wine that changes color if u add water; just like Dettol). Unaware of this, John, drank from the wine as usual and topped it up with water. Immediately he added water, the pasties became milky and he knew he was in trouble. When the Boss came back and saw the changed pasties, he knew he had nailed the thief.. John knowing he was in trouble decided to stay put in the kitchen when his boss came home. The Boss having told his wife what he observed now swung into action. John!, he called from the sitting room, he answered: "Yes, Boss". "Who drank my pasties?". John: No answer. The Boss asked again: still no answer. Then the boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? Why when I called, you answered "Yes boss" but when I ask you a question you don't answer me? "John retorted, "Hmmm when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all, except your name" "Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay, go to the bar stand beside Madam, while I go into the kitchen; and then, you ask me a question" John accepted. When his boss was in the kitchen he shouted: "Boss". "Yes, John" Boss answers. John then asks, "Who goes into the maid's bedroom when Madam is not at home?" No answer. The boy shouted again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak into the maid's room when madam no dey house?" No answer. The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders shall never cease! John, It is true o, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one's name." The wife now very angry, interrupted, "That's not true. It's a lie! Without argument." John asked if she'll enter the magic kitchen to be tested. She agreed. John asks Madam, "Who's Junior's biological father? Me or the Boss? "Madam rushed out of the kitchen. "This kitchen needs to be renovated...
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart." I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face
Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little s**t, O'Connor?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
"When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal, "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the shore, and survive, I'll give you $1,000,000. No one dared to move. Suddenly, a man jumped into the water, and desperately swam, and made it to the shore, while being chased by all the crocodiles. The owner announced, "We have a brave winner!!" After the man collected his reward, he and his wife returned to the hotel. Upon arrival, the manager told him that he had been very brave to jump. To which the man replied, "I didn't jump, someone pushed me!" His wife smiled..... Moral - Behind every successful man, there's a woman who pushes him!