language A South African man wakes up in a hospital in England, dazed and disoriented. The doctors barely saved his life and asked him what happened. He replied: I'm not sure. I was in a pub, which is known as a popular place to meet and get to know locals when I saw 3 really large women at the pub talking to each other. I couldn't make out everything they said, so to be friendly, I asked them ‘Are you 3 ladies from Scotland?’ They replied ‘Wales, you fool!’ So I asked again, ‘Are you 3 whales from Scotland?’ Honestly, that's the last thing I remember before waking up here!
Little Johnny is constantly late for school and what's worse is that he always has a big lie explaining why. The teacher tells the principal that she has had it with his exaggerations. The principal tells her to send Johnny to him the next time he shows up late. He will tell Johnny a lie so big that he will never tell another one. Ever. The next day, Johnny shows up two hours late. Johnny says, "I was two hours early today so I had time to fish in the pond on my way to school. I caught a 17-pound trout and had to take it home. If I didn't clean it and freeze it, my mum would've been angry. That's why I'm so late". The teacher promptly takes him to the principal's office and explains the story to the principal. The principal tells Johnny about his own trip to school that day. He says, "I was walking to school through the park on the trail today when I heard something behind me. I turned around and was shocked to see a giant grizzly bear behind me. He was 24 feet tall and had 6-inch fangs. He was going to eat me, Johnny! Just then a little dog ran out from the bushes, jumped up and attacked the bear. The little dog killed the bear and then ate the whole bear right there in front of me. What do you think of that, Johnny?" Johnny replies ....... "Oh yeah, that's my dog Sparky. That's his third bear this week."
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now." As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!""Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign ... ‘Toot 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"
An old woman, on the third floor of her apartment building, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Finally, after several weeks, it was time for the doctor to remove the cast. “Can I climb the stairs now?” asked the little old lady. “Yes” he replied. “Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of climbing up and down that drainpipe!”
A mother was visiting her son on an Army base, and chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" she asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Why relieved?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."
Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced " Please prepare for a crash landing ". The first lady put on all her jewelry . Surprised by this the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, well when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first. The second lady not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well when they come to rescue us they will see my great boobs and will take me first. The third lady who was African not wanting to be out done took off her pants and panties. Why are you doing that the other ladies questioned, well they always search for the black box first.
A man walks down the street and sees a pirate walking towards him with a chocolate bar strapped to his head. So, the man says, "what's with the candy bar?" and the pirate replies: "can't stop, I've got a bounty on my head"
One Frenchman sits and does nothing. They ask him: what are you doing? Answer: I am waiting for another Jew to come They ask him to explain, and this is how he answered them: The first Jew - Moses - gave us freedom on the Sabbath. The second Jew - Jesus - gave us freedom on Sunday. The third Jew gave us another day off (there was a Jewish prime minister in France at the time, who, because of a recession, announced a 4-day work week) So now I'm waiting for another Jew to come...