Took the car back to the garage and told them the cars crap.The garage owner said "Why"? I said "Going up the hill to our house, it dont reach 60"? The garage owner said "60 is ok". i said "Bollocks, not when i live at 85, i have to push it the rest of the way"!
First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body". For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."
The television game show was being recorded. The contestant was in the hot seat for the last big question. The host turned to him, and read the question slowly and carefully. But the contestant didn't know the answer! Fortunately, he had a backup plan (there was no way he was missing out on this million bucks!). He let out a piercing whistle, and from the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armour appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host. The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell sprawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process. The game show host was just beginning to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back at the contestant, and said "Is that your final lancer?"
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?" The coroner said, "No." The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?", and again the coroner said, "No." Then the attorney asked, "Did you check for breathing?", and again the coroner said, "No." "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."
Paddy goes for a job at the council and gets the position of putting the telegraph poles into the ground.. at the end of the first day he was asked how many he had done... "Three boss." he said... "That's nowhere near enough Paddy, if you want this job, buck your ideas up" By the end of the week Paddy had increased to five, but the boss said that still wasn't anywhere near enough... Three weeks in and Paddy can't do any more than six... so the boss takes him out in his car to an avenue where his top man did fourteen in one day... Paddy said... "Yeah but look how much he's left sticking out the ground"...
An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get – Parkinson’s Disease or Alzheimer's Disease?" The Irishman answered, "Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!"
A woman and her family on holiday in a small town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the centre of the village and went straight to the ice cream parlour. There was only one other person in the store: Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three children, you're forty-five years old, not a teenager! The server filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realised that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something! No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your bag."
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth. I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. It was that snake, with two more frogs…!!
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom level of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The Brunette asked, "What on earth's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard, and whispered, "YA, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!"
A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be at the shop?" the man asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped in the car and drove to the shoe shop. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding," the customer called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time?" The man came back to the counter, empty handed. "They'll be ready on Thursday," he said calmly.
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along. "What'll ya have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she sputtered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"