The Fence Repair Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Government House in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada.One is from River Heights (a suburb of Winnipeg) another is from Saint James (another suburb in Winnipeg), and the third is from the North End of Winnipeg .All three go with an official to examine the fence. The River Heights contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil and paper. "Well "he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me. "The St. James contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700.That's$300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me. The North End contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?" End contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from St. James to fix the fence. Done! Replies the government official. And that, my fellow tax payers, is how a Government Stimulus plan works.
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having problems. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran, the out drive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place,... was the trailer.
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said. "I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." And he left. The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?" Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes.” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" Said the couple. "But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What’s wrong?" Asked the frightened couple. "OH COME ON." St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?"
@Bat.1 You said "Bat can tell by the penis pics he's being sent why Libs are so confused about their sexuality. Anyone with a penis that small would have trouble knowing LOL." Liberals are not confused about anything. It is you who are confused with society changing. If you can't keep your pudgy hands out of other's affairs then just go away. The U.S. is becoming more inclusive and that will not change.
Two old ladies were discussing their husbands. One said, “I do wish George would stop biting his nails. It’s such a horrible habit.” Her friend said, “My Arnold used to do the same. But I eventually cured him of it.” “How did you do that?” “I hid his teeth.”
The Perfect Husband??? Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I'm at the Town centre now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "£80,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ? The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer £900,000.." WOMAN: "OK. ! I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he smiles and asks: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally hit a wall, jarring the coffin, they hear a faint moan coming from inside. They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the coffin, as they move closer towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch out for that friggging wall!"
Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash. "Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie. "Why?" Asked the waiter. "I want to break three."
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro.Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffeur for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping. All went well till Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park. 'Don't worry, Mother,' said Sister Lucy. 'You go into the supermarket and I'll drive round the block until you come out.' Off sped the car, and Reverend Mother bustled round the store quickly, picking up all the necessary goods and then rushing back to the kerbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, fifteen, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be? Eventually Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman. 'Excuse me, officer,' said she, 'have you seen a nun in a red Mini?' 'No,' replied the policeman, 'but these days nothing would surprise me!