One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" o After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. a "Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do. All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity, class trivia. She said, "The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today." Little Johnny said to himself, "Good, I'm smart and I want to get out of here." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You may go." Johnny was really mad that Susie had answered first. The teacher asked, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King!" The teacher said, "That's right, Mary. You may go." Johnny was even madder than before because Mary had answered first. Then the teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Cindy said, "John Kennedy!" and the teacher said, "That's right, Cindy. You may go." Now Johnny was fumming! The teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher spun around. "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?"
A woman was playing a round of golf as she teed off she sliced and hit the man on the next hole,and watched in horror as he clasped his hands at his groin ,and fell to the ground ,rolling about in agony, she runs over ,"im so sorry she says let me help. your ok says the man "but im a physio therapist she says " and slowly moves the mans hands,away from his groin, and undoes his trousers and starts massaging him,after a few minuits she says " is that better " thats fantastic he replies but i still think my thumb is broken .
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,”Are there any gators around here?” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years.” “Feeling Safe”, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy,”How’d you get rid of the gators?” “We didn’t do anything,” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ‘em.”
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow’s final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, except a dire medical condition or an immediate family member’s death. One smart ass, male student said, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?”, and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, “Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write.”
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Cindy is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Cindy surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Cindy. I’m sorry, he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday… Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.” The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.” The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, ‘comfortable.’” The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, ‘comfortable?’” The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow.”
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.” The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!” To which the guy responds, “Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”
A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out. The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.” A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -”Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”
Circle Flies A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are--I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
Ten Signs Your Partner Needs A Vacation 10. Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren. 9. He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested. 8. He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar. 7. He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot. 6. He talk to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop". 5. He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat. 4. He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers. 3. The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids. 2. He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel. 1. He keeps handcuffing himself by accident!!
You Might Be A Cop If... You have the bladder capacity of five people. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm. Your idea of a good time is a robbery at shift change. You call for a CCH on anyone that is friendly toward you. You think it is perfectly normal to discuss dismemberment over a gourmet meal. You can identify a negative "tattoo to tooth" ratio just by looking at a person. You find humor in other people's stupidity. You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see. You have your weekends off planned for a year in advance. You believe that a "shallow gene pool" should be grounds for an arrest. You believe that the Government should require a permit to reproduce. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, it sure is quiet around here". You refer to your nightstick as your "Dork Slayer". You believe that chocolate is a food group. You take it as a compliment when someone calls you a prick. You have wanted to hold a seminar on "Suicide, getting it right the first time., You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid jury verdict. You have had to put a complainant on hold, while you laugh uncontrollably. You have wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to a particular bar. You believe the dispatcher is possessed. You think caffeine should be available in I.V. form. You're not referring to food when you mention vegetables. You believe that the holding cell should come with a Valium salt lick. You have heard: "I have no idea how that got there," on more than a few occasions. You suddenly realize one night that you are patrolling the Twilight Zone. You correlate "two beers" with 0.15 BAC. You have learned a lot about paranoia, simply by following random cars around in your patrol car. You believe that it is a "good" death only if it involves overtime.
Pizza Delivery FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital. Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda. Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered? Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital. Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent. Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent? Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is. Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital? Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas. Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents? Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here? Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent? Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving. Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this? Agent: We've collected a pool of cash. Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents? Agent: Yes. Pizza Man: With guns? Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked. Pizza Man: No f-in' way. *Click*
Essex Schoolgirls A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger" St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl (from Chelmsford) the same question, "Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies. "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
An old woman walks into a singles bar looking for a little action. A distinguished older gentleman approaches her and they really hit it off. After a few drinks they decide to get a hotel room and get it on. As they sit naked on the bed, the old man takes out his hearing aids and moves in. The old woman stops him and says, “before we do this, i should tell you i have acute angina.” The old man looks at her, smiles and says, I sure hope so, cause you got ugly boobs
The head pharmacist goes out to lunch leaving the assistant pharmacist in charge.When the head pharmacist returns from lunch he notices a man leaning against the wall.He asked the assistant what was wrong with the man leaning against the wall over there.The assistant pharmacist says,”Oh that guy.Oh yeah he came in a little while ago with a really bad cough so I sold him a laxative.He seems to be doing ok now….. I guess.” The head pharmacist says,”Are you crazy?? You can’t sell a laxative to someone who has a bad cough like that!?” The assistant pharmacist says “Well why not?? Look at him over there! Its working! He’s too scared to cough now!!
A bus stops and 2 men get on with really strong accents. They sit down and have a conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but all of a sudden when she hears one of them say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two esses acoma together. I come once-a-more. Two esses, they comma together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.” “You dirty-mouth pigs,” yelled the lady .” In this country . . . we don’t speak dirty in public places about our sex lives. . . ” “Hey, relax lady whats sa-matter for you?,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”