A father saw his 4yr old daughter staring very inquisitively at the fingers on her hand. He promptly took hold of his daughters hand & pretended to eat it making the noise of a lions roar in the process. The daughter giggled as her daddy released her hand & once again looked at her fingers but this time looked puzzled before asking.........."Wheres my bogie gone?"
A former Sergeant in the Marines found a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back and was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart kids, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were suspicious of him and he knew they would be testing the discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence. The rest of the year went very smoothly.
A highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around. If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest " Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) centre to take antidotes known as "Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract" (WINE) ," Radioactive UnWork Medicine" (RUM), " Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter" (BEER), or "Vaccine of depression killing antigen" (VODKA)..
I read in a marriage guidance magazine that if your partner is having an affair, she'll make up pathetic excuses to go out late at night. I'm looking forward to having the house to myself tonight actually. The wife's off to take her ferret for a midnight yodelling lesson.
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' The pharmacist fainted.
Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter stops them at the Pearly Gates and says "To enter heaven you must each answer a bible question!" St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who built the ark to save humanity from the flood?" Nun says "Noah!" Thunder claps, gates open, the nun walks in. St. Peter asks the second nun, "who slung the stone and killed Goliath?" Nun says "David!" Thunder claps, gates open, nun walks in. St. Peter asks the third nun, "What is the first thing Eve said when God sent her to the Man?" Nun thinks. Think some more. And more. Nun finally says, "That's a hard one..." Aaaaaand thunder claps, gates open, and the nun walks in.
Father an son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field. "A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream an ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong.. ? I told you to be quiet. "The son answered "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the 2 chipmunks crawled up my pants legs an said, "Should we eat them here or take them with us...? "I panicked".....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
A man was arrested for murder but bribed a member of the jury to hold out for manslaughter.The jury was out for 8 hours but when it returned the verdict was manslaughter.He smiled at the man he had bribed and whispered 'I'm really grateful,I hope it wasn't too difficult'. 'It was touch and go said Murphy, 'the others wanted to acquit you'.
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?” The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”
Employee Evaluation Quotes These quotes were taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large Company: “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom....and has started to dig deeper." “His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." “This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't-be'." “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." “This young lady has delusions of adequacy." “This employee should go far... and the sooner he starts, the better." “I would like to go hunting with him sometime." “He certainly takes a long time to make his point pointless." “If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week." “He's been working with glue too much." “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it." “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming." “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it." “If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change." “She would argue with a signpost." “He has a knack for making strangers immediately." “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room." “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans." “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell." “If you see two people talking and one of them looks bored, he's the other one." “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge...he only gargled." “It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg." One neuron short of a synapse." ““Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes." “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet." “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingie to hold it all together." “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
It is with Great Sadness that I have to mention the loss of a few local businesses around the local area ... The Bra manufacturer has apparently gone Bust , and the specialist in submersibles has "gone under" .. The manufacturer of Food Blenders has gone into liquidation , and a well known "Dog Kennels" , has had to call in the Retrievers ... The suppliers of paper for 'origami enthusiasts' , has seemingly folded .. The Heinz factory has been Canned , as they couldn't ketchupwith orders .. The Tarmac laying company has reached the "end of the road" , and the Bread company has run out of dough ... The Clock manufacturer has had to "wind down" , and gone Cuckoo , and the Chinese has been "take"n away".. The Shoe Shop has had to put his foot down , and given his staff the boot , and finally , the Laundrette has sadly been "taken to the cleaners" ...!
A bus load of American tourists arrives at Runnymede. They gather around the guide, who explains, 'This is the spot where the Barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta.' A fellow at the front of the group asks, 'When did that happen?' '1215,' answers the guide. The man looks at his watch and says, 'Gee, hey everybody - we just missed it by a half hour.'