Last time I was in a doctors office, the nurse asked me how much I weighed. I said, "178". I got on the scale and it read 215. Then she asked me how tall I was and I said, 6'2". I only measured 5'7". Then she takes my blood pressure and says, " Holy cow! Your blood pressure is really high! " I said, of course it is. When I left home 2 hours ago I was tall and skinny, now I'm short and fat !".
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia Coli Bacteria found in water that contains faeces. In other words, we are consuming one kilo of s**t. However, we do not run that risk when drinking rum, gin, whiskey, beer, wine or other liquors because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermentation. It is my duty to communicate to all of you people who are drinking water, to stop doing so. It has been scientifically proven that it is unhealthy and bad for you. THEREFORE - It is better to drink alcohol and talk s**t, than to drink water and be full of it!!..
the official text is; for my next trick i will need the assistance of a young lady from the audience..
A married couple were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. We have a great relationship," the husband explained. My wife studied inter-personal relationships in college and I got a degree in Theatre Arts." "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening"
Mom and the kids had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool, but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"
A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche. Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock. “I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly. “With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!” “Well, it’s used and I got a good deal” says the boy, “This one cost me 20 dollars.” “Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!” “The woman up the street,” the boy replies. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars.” The boy’s dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you!” “Well,” the woman says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?” The boy’s mom asks, utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" "Barb, it's me, Rose." "You're not Rose. Rose just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?" "In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Barb. "The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday."
A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
“After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, ‘Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’ My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.”