Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. The doctor asks him what happened. “Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball; stuck right in the middle of the cows arse. That’s when I made my mistake. “What did you do?” asks the doctor. “Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”...
A Jewish guy goes to his Rabbi and says: "RABBI RABBI! you're not going to believe what happened to me! My son turned Christian and left the house!" The Rabbi says: "Shhh, you're not going to believe what happened to me! MY son turned Christian and Left the house." "Well, what are we going to do?!" Asked the man. "Let's pray to God and ask him for advice" the Rabbi answers. They both look up and say: "God, God, you're not going to believe what happened to us! Both our sons turned Christian and left the house" God responds: "Well, you're not going to believe what happened to ME!"
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”. At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather says again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading is groceries and the boy into the car. She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather." "Thanks", says the grandfather, "but I am William, this little bastard's name is Kevin.
A lawyer dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. He cries "This is so unfair! I'm only 38 years old! Why did you decide to take me so soon?" St. Peter responds "We were under the impression you were much older. According to our records, you're 103 years old." The lawyer screams "I'm right in front of you! Here I am! Look at me! I'm only 38! What on earth lead you to believe I was 103?" St. Peter explains "We never could locate your birth records, so we calculated your age based on the number of hours you've billed your clients."
A man has a car accident and is taken to hospital Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news? "The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." ".Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours." "Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache."
A First-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?” Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Johnny: “9”. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Johnny: “36”. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade. “The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Johnny, after a moment, “Legs.” Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Johnny: “Pants” Teacher: “What starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?” Johnny: “Fire truck.” The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself.
One day a priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me,' said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Peter to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool. 'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver. Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set. 'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.' 'Yes, that's true.' St Peter rejoined, 'But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
A friend of mine told me that his brother has gone to live in Italy. I asked why? He said that his brother met a very nice Italian girl when the Cruise Ship he was on sailed into an Italian Port. I said Genoa ? He said No I haven’t met her yet.