There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, "What was the problem?" The elderly man said, "Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. I tried with my left hand... nothing. So my wife tried with her right hand... nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth... nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth... still nothing. The doctor replied, "Wait a minute, did you say your wife's friend too?!" The elderly man answered, "Yeah, and we still couldn't get the damn lid off of the specimen cup."
Dad was in the field plowing when he noticed Mary run into the barn. A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20 minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see what they are doing. As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a shovel and whacks Bruce on the ass with it, Bruce jumps up and runs out side. Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty; Dad looked down at her and said I didn't think you had it in you Mary. Neither did I dad, said Mary, until you hit him on the ass with the shovel...
A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden. “Sooner or later you’re going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,” says the wife. “What’s wrong with the one we’ve got?” asks the husband. “Nothing,” replies the wife. “But Mother’s arms are getting a bit tired.”
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband? “Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.” “Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.” “Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
Just lost me job as a tour guide at the Vatican.What happened was i was telling the group how fantastic the pope is how caring he is,,When at that precise moment he came round the corner I said,,Talk of the devil,,
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they give me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastroenteritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don' know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
It’s with great sadness we have to inform all our family and friends that in the early hours of the morning of 20th December, our much loved turkey, Gobbles, will pass away. The cremation will be held at ours at around 2pm on the 25th December . No flowers please but if you would like to make a contribution things like potatoes, carrots, green veg and alcohol will do. RIP Gobbles.
Knock, knock. reply...Who's there? Interrupting cow. reply...Inter... Before the responder can finish this segment.... Moo!!!
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently," she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"
Me and my mate were out for a stroll last night. She has a Doberman and I, my Chihuahua . As we walked down the street, My mate with the Doberman said to me, "Let's go over to that mall and go to the sports bar for a drink." I said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." My mate said, don't sweat it "Just watch, and follow my lead." As she approached the bar she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. But security at the door stopped her and said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." So my mate said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." He said "yeah right", "A Doberman?" My mate said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." He then surprised me and said, "OK, go on in." I realised that convincing him that my Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog might be a little more far fetched, but thought,” i'll still give it a go!" So i put on my dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the security said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." I too said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog" He said, "A Chihuahua? as if!" I said "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f.........g Chihuahua ?!"