My Good deed done, At the store checkout this last night, I was behind an old lady at the till. Her bill came to $38 but when she counted out all of her change she only had just under $30 I thought she was probably someone's Nan and I'd like to think someone would have helped my Nan out if she was still alive. She didn't want my help but I insisted, and in no time at all we had all of her shopping back on the shelves.
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. "Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," she replied. "Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."
The Bathtub Test During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No” he said “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me, why would I risk that again? I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me, and that is why I ended up in intensive care. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people.
Girls Night Out The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh s**t” Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
A woman was visiting the zoo when she passed two workmen that were crying. "Why are you guys crying?" she asked. One replied, "One of the elephants just died." "The big elephant must have been your favourite animal in the zoo?" she asked. "No, Ma'am-- love has nothing to do with it. The boss told us we have to dig the grave."
One day God calls down to Noah and says "Noah, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, anything you want after all you're the boss". But God interrupts, "Ah but there's a catch this time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, ..... I want 20 decks one on top of the other". "20 DECKS!", screams Noah, "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say, should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?" "Yep, that's right, well ..... sort of right.......this time I want you to fill it up with fish" God answers. "Fish?" Queries Noah. "Yep, fish ... well, to make it more specific Noah, I want Carp, wall to wall, floor to ceiling - Carp!" Noah looks to the skies, "OK God, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?" "Check". With 20 decks, one on top of the other?". "Check". "And you want it full of Carp?". "Check" "But why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether. "Well...." says God, "I just thought it would be nice to have a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"
A man woke up in the morning deeply repentant after a bitter fight with his wife the previous night. He noticed with dismay the crate of beer bottles that had caused the fight. He took it outside and started smashing the empty bottles one by one onto the wall. He smashed the first bottle swearing, “you are the reason I fight with my wife”. He smashed the second bottle, “you are the reason I don’t love my children”. He smashed the third bottle, “you are the reason I don’t have a decent job”. When he took the fourth bottle, he realized that the bottle was still sealed and was full. He hesitated for only a moment and said “you stand aside, I know you were not involved”.
A new building went up on a suburban link road. It was a cluster of three shops with identical fronts. A Greek greengrocer bought the first, telling the developer he would set up a nice fresh produce store. He chose the shop on the left so as to get the morning business. It would have a sign over the door that read, ‘Con’s Fruit and Veges.’ A Chinese market gardener bought the one on the right. He told the developer he, too, would establish a fresh produce shop and expected to get the home-bound afternoon traffic. His sign over the door would read, ‘Freshest Produce.’ Old mate John bought the shop in the middle and said his intention was to have a fresh produce shop. The developer was a bit surprised and asked what signage he’d have above the door. John answered, ‘Main Entrance’.
I went in for a job interview today, and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who can be responsible". "Well I'm your guy!" I replied, The manager said "Why's that then?" I smiled and said "At my old job, whenever something went wrong, they said I was always responsible."
My friend ,Dave, said the landlord at his local pub announced there's going to be a hefty cash prize for this years best costume for Halloween. "Last year my wife won it", he went on to tell me," and she only came to pick me up".
During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. “You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side. “What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. “I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.
An guy called Arnie was driving around Ireland, he began to have trouble with his car boiling over, so he stopped at a country cottage. As was walking up the pathway Arnie noticed that a donkey, which was lying on the ground, was not shod. Anyway, Arnie knocked at door and an Irishwoman came out. He said, 'My car has boiled over could you let me have some water please? And by the way did you know that your donkey over there has no shoes on? 'I know that', replied the woman replied, 'To be sure he's not up yet.'