One dark night, two men are walking home after a party and decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery. Right in the middle of the cemetery they are startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they find an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. “Holy cow, dude,” one says after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working here so late at night?” “Those fools!” the old man grumbles. “They misspelled my name!”
Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast. To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers. Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G' 'Very good', says the teacher. Peter says he had Toast, 'T-O-A-S-T? 'Excellent.' Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him: 'I had Sod All', he says, ' S-O-D A-L-L'. The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer Later when the lesson turns to Geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's East Coast. When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the Nutrition Lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question: Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Mexican Border?' Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Mexican border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Sod All for Breakfast."
A man asks a farmer near the field, "Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:30 PM train." The farmer says, "Sure, go right ahead..... And if my bull sees you, you'll even catch the 4 PM one."
A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question : "You are driving at 100 km. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?” The woman walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question in all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet, I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ?” Examiner: "The brakes!!!"A lady failed the driving test 4 times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test had the same question : "You are driving at 100 km. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road, you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit ?” The woman walked up to the examiner and said, "I've answered this question in all four ways, wall, cliff, young man, old man. Yet, I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit ?” Examiner: "The brakes!!!"
"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Wife to Husband. What did the Doctor say? Husband. I got a prescription for Daily Sex! Wife. No Dear, its a Prescription for Dyslexia.
A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!
Was in the Chemist shop earlier and said to the assistant..."Wow..your really going for the Halloween thing this year with the zombie costumes" "No Sir" she said.."that's the queue for methadone
A guy is walking past a driveway and sees a Jamaican putting up a sign that reads "Boat for sale." The man looks but all he can see is a caravan and a jeep. Confused he says to the Jamaican, "Where's the boat, all I see is a caravan and a jeep?" "Yes, mon," replies the Jamaican, "and they're boat for sale!"
Sally, a blonde, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him for the weekend: She got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout. Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie's schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out. They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would. About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally. "I can't make the supper. I can't light a fire with the matches you brought." Sally replied. "I can't understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left."