A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men. "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."
not sure if this falls into the realm of being funny but... went to a coffee shop with my nephew, we were first in the queue, only to be told we had to wait our turn... apparently people sitting at the table were ordering their beverages via their mobile phones... hosted a Christmas party (27 guests at the table)... but no-one talking to anyone... apparently but texting each other under the table.... talk about getting old but given the above information,,,, Q. how do you deal with an 11 year old Granddaughter who refuses to have a mobile phone .... I am sorry, and I know time passes a lot quicker when you get old.... but seriously struggling to keep up
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim." The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Walking down the street one day, a woman heard a voice yell, "Stop! If you take one more step, you will be killed." The woman stopped and seconds later a brick fell and landed in her path. A few minutes later, she was ready to cross the street when the same voice bellowed "Halt! Don’t cross the street now". An out-of-control beer truck soon screeched around the corner and didn't even slowdown as it ran the red light. Shaken, the woman asked out loud, "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel." replied the voice. "And I imagine you have some questions for me". "You bet I do," the woman said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.” The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.” “Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle. “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.” She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said “How well can you do?” “Ummmm...I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever. “My, my,” said the Poodle. “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.” She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?” The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the minute chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... “Liver alone. Cheese mine."
You Are Probably Retired If.... You and your teeth don't sleep together. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any. It takes two tries to get up from the couch. Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio. You step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there. Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car . Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it. You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
Flying Solo . . . This is the story of a poor blond flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot . . . He has a heart attack and dies. The blond frantically calls a May Day: "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead! And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" All of a sudden the blond hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." The blond says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat." "O.K." says the voice from the tower. "Repeat after me: Our Father… Who art in Heaven… "
Two African men were talking on a London Bus. One said "I think it's wombaa". "No" said the other, "it's definitely woooomb". They went back and forth with this argument until a little old lady sitting behind them said " Excuse me gentlemen but the word is pronounced woom, rhyming with room." One of the men turned to her and said " What would you know about it lady? I bet you never heard a Hippo fart underwater in Lake Tanganyika."